Chapter 8

She was jabbing away at the notebook in front of her. Key strokes after keystrokes of concentration and was patiently tucking away a stubborn stray hair behind an ear. And then, she smiles at the gesture. I remember telling her that those luscious locks gave her an almost royal look; like a princess. She would hit me playfully then, saying I was just pulling her legs and pretending dislike. But she would smile appreciatively nonetheless. For some reason it makes me feel warm inside; maybe she was remembering that too, I thought wistfully.
Sensing my presence she looks up to face me. To my surprise her face registered no shock at all. She looked calm and composed.”I knew you would come and find me.” She said.
“Because you would want to know what happen to me” she adds, answering the silent question in my eyes. She sighs before looking back at me. A pang of loss washes over me; she looked untroubled, It was as if yesterday didn’t happen, as if she never cries so brokenly in my arms before telling me that I was years too late. Had I cease to have meaning for her just in an overnight?
She smiles a genuine smile this time and motions me to sit down. I notice that she seems to carry herself with polished sophistication now. She was not my little princess anymore. She had changed somehow, I thought with a twinge.
“I was pregnant with your child” she looked straight into my eyes and drop the bombshell. I could feel all the color draining from my face. I used to brood over what happen to her but I never expect this.
“What??..how?..where now..?” She ignores my question, she was looking into space, and there was this far away look in her eyes. She was remembering that night, I thought with shame.
“It felt like betrayal, what you did to me. I trusted you so.” She began.
I squirm in my seat, recovering from the shock of her news. But another surge of wild happiness shot through. Our baby. We had a baby together. I ponder over it and I feel warm inside again.
“When you left me that night, I thought I could never forgive you. But as much as I hate you for what you did, I know that in my heart of hearts I would have easily forgiven you if only you would explain.” She stops to look at me. I open my mouth to say I was sorry, but I couldn’t bring myself to. She deserves so much more than just an apology. So I look at her instead and notice for the first time the dead look in her eyes. For some reason, cold dread gripped at my insides.
“But days turn into weeks and weeks into months and you never came. You were gone just like that. No explanation, no calls, no letters, nothing. Every night I lay awake wondering what went wrong.” She continues, the dead look still in her eyes.
“When I realized I was pregnant, I knew I had to leave home. Mom and dad would kill me if they knew. Leaving home seems like the simplest solution then. Mum and dad never question what I was up to and I told them I was leaving home to tour the world for a year and they believe it. I quit university and took out all my savings. I know the money would last until my baby were born” absentmindedly she clutch at her tummy, remembering.
I discovered something new about her then. I always knew that she was fiercely independent but I never thought she would be that clear and cold headed in facing such turmoil.
“What happen to my baby?” I asked against my better judgment. But I don’t care. I knew I had to make it up to her. I will beg her to marry me, I’ll do whatever it takes, I won’t leave her again, not this time. I thought fiercely.
“My daughter died” her head hung at her side now, she look so defeated. “I had a miscarriage’ she told me flatly. Her words cut through so profoundly that I found myself swaying on the spot, reeling from the pain. This cant be happening. I refuse to believe it.
“The doctor said I left it too late. That day, I felt cramp down at my stomach. I checked, and saw that there was blood, it was just a little red dot then, I make myself believe that it was nothing. Maybe it’s because deep inside I always knew that I was not fortunate enough to be a mother. So I ignore the dull throbbing I feel and the next thing I knew I had lost her. ”
I could see that she was weary now and all the fight was leaving her. How I wish I could reach out for her and held her in my arms. A single tear escapes and I wipe it away hastily. I was still trying to take it all in; the loss of our baby, the magnitude of her suffering and the fact that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.
“I could never have another child, Nick” she told me brokenly. All her previous self control were now gone. I realized she was wounded; she sat slumped on her seat looking thoroughly defeated and crushed. I Knew she told me all this because she feel she could relate to me. She wants me to share her grief because it was our baby that was lost from us forever. Ours..how cruel can life be;The possibility that we have a baby together, the embodiment of our love but in too short a time it was taken from us. How tantalizing the dream seems yet how harsh reality really strikes?
“Maya..” I got up to reach for her. But something in her eyes makes me stop in my track. She wouldn’t appreciate the gesture, not now after all these years.
“Maya, give me one more chance, I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Maya stare at me disbelievingly. “You are married Nick. It won’t work. You can’t just pick it up where you left it. It’s too late now and I don’t need your pity. I can take care of myself.”
“I couldn’t live knowing it was all my fault. Please..Please let me take care of you, let me make things right again. I will explain to Arianna, she would understand. She always knew that I lo..”
Maya cut my musings to an abrupt halt.
“I am married now Nick” She told me. It was like a slap to my face, her words.
Like lid closing on a coffin; a mundane finality.