In this profession, the most difficult thing is to a keep straight face when they told me the most horrible thing. To let that revelation sunk, and try to comprehend why they did the things they did when the only thing I could say was; God, you got to be kidding me!
But one has to keep impassive face, to stay objective and clear headed. Even when it was too much, even when it hurt sometimes. I have to learn to be emotionally detached. But the things that they did, it could get to you, would make you stop in your track and got you thinking; is this for real?
Of course it was. Life is, after all, a bed of roses but with thorns in it!
I would like to tell Aurora that she could hope but should never expect that wretched man to show mercy. Because that ‘husband/cheat’ was not capable of something as elementary as plain compassion. I know it was harsh, cruel even. But any women other than her could see that the man would never change, could never learn to appreciate her, let alone love her. She was not stupid. Like she said she was just empty. People’s minds were complex mechanics. In her mind’s eye she thinks of the man as her only means of support. Not financially because she can fend for herself where wealth is concern, but emotionally. She needs to feel needed; and that was what the man gave her. He needs her albeit only for his carnal pleasure.
This twisted sense of need stem from something deeper. Almost always in such case it was down to childhood experience; something she never have enough of or something she has in excess. In Aurora’s, it was her parent’s love that she lack. It was not that they did not love her. They love her in abundance, almost to the point of excessiveness. They just love her differently and that was not the way that she expects to be love.
My job is not to tell her what to do (she would not listen to me anyway). But to let her come to term with herself. To help her understand that she could never get back the childhood that she thought was lost forever. Because, yes, she has lost it forever. And he or anyone else for that matter could never pay back her pain. And then to make her realize that she was worth more than she thought she was. In her case, it was the biggest issue. She thinks she deserve to be a kept woman because she was not perfect enough for him. When in retrospective, he was the one who does not deserve her.
As for him, I think he was just plain barmy (Not that I told this to him). What comes to my mind as I picture his triumphant gloating face was that I would like very much to shake him to his senses. Or punch him in the face or better still, kick him where it hurts the most. Now, do not get me wrong. Of course I could not do that. I took an oath! But one can wish, right?
Could someone be so cruel? Yes he could. Men, (Not that I have anything against them) has this aversion to women they does not love; at least it was the case with him. Maybe he thinks it was the most practical thing to do. Why waste time caring for someone you did not love? To put it simply, he just don’t give a f*** about her; as he had so gloatingly said. Not literally but, you know what I mean.
I do not know which was worse. To be secure in false protective bubble like his wife? Or to be at the sidelines of life and just watch somebody else living her life like Aurora?
His wife said she could not believe her luck. I could not either; but for entirely different reason. To tell her that her suspicions were right would breach my doctor’s – patient confidentiality privilege. But girls, just so you know, when you suspect something going on at your husband end, it was almost always right. And yes, you can trust your instinct. Because the wife always knew. Maybe in not so subtle ways, but you could feel it in your gut. Not that I have hands on experience on the matter but when you has seen life as much as I did, you would know.
She did all the right things (the wife, I mean); she checked on her husband, never really put her trust in him and by the looks of it, he loves her very much. I know, how can you say you love someone if you cheat on her? But he can. Aurora was just an able body for him. Nothing more, nothing less. So long as he did not emotionally stray then he still thinks he was not doing anything wrong. Yes, he was that deranged.
In part, it explains why he was so mean to Aurora. Because if he let his need for her grow into something more than just need, if he start caring, that would mean he has grow fond of his mistress. Men only understand love; they do not understand kindness and always mistakes kindness for love. To put it simply, he was afraid that he would fall for Aurora. That was why he never bothers to see Aurora as a person other than the women who share his bed and that explains why he has no guilty conscience at all.
But I still think he was barmy though.
Dr Pomona Claire, MD.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Dr Pomona’s Case Files
Dr Pomona Claire, MD
Case 001
The other woman
As I watch from the side lines, life passes me by. Everyone was living a simple life with so much happiness and love. I was just empty. Living in a tangled web of lies, living in sin. At first it was just a black dot on my white canvas. But then it gets bigger as my heart began to forget. The first thing I forgot is what it means to miss someone. And then I forgot how great it felt to be treated nicely. By then I was force to left my protected shell and I forgot what it felt like to feel safe. Now I almost forgot what love feels like; as if it was a dream that I had to struggle to remember once I wake up from a long troubling night.
I had no choice. He was my boyfriend at college. He left me on our third year. He said he didn’t love me. He tried to, but he could not. He said it was lust at first sight; what we had. I was just confused. If we were wrong why it felt so right then. But I let him go. Because that was what he want.
He came back. Not because he love me but because he lust for me. I knew I had to be firm but I love him so. I just want to have something that I could remember, a token of memory to embody all that I felt towards him. Even if it was only temporary. Even as I knew he was just fooling around with me. Sex was only part of the reason. At least I would know what it felt like to be in his embrace. At least I could hold on to the memory.
He has a girlfriend then. Someone who is more worthy of him, he said. I kept my silence. There was nothing I could do. At first it was devastating. He was so mean to me, he stop caring. For him I was only a body without soul, just a woman whom he bed. There was a saying: ignorance hurt more than outright dislike. I know how true the words then. But I stay because it was the only thing to do.
He married his girlfriend after college. I never knew how I got through those days; when he proposed to her, got engaged, get married and have his first child. I stay because I don’t know a life without him.
My life change. Everybody thought I had it all. But in truth I had nothing. Of course a beautiful face plus great carrier plus big house and car would equal perfection. But I knew better. My days were spent waiting for his call. We never go out in public though. He was very careful that no one should know about us. Either it was phone sex or just plain old sex. That was all he gave me.
It felt as if I was living a doomed life. But I never stop hoping that one day he would have pity, that he would at least feel compassion towards me.
Case 002
The husband
Aurora. That was her name. She was beautiful, but everybody knows that. She was also something else. She was a rare combination of beauty and guile. When I looked at her I just want to crush her, to have her moan my name, to own her. She has that affect on me. And once I have had her, I wanted more.
At first it was because she wounded my ego. I hate her knowing eyes or that smug smile. It was as if she could look straight into my heart and knows my darkest secret. I really hate that.
I was also fascinated by her. It was something that I could never put my fingers on. Like there was this black allure in her that draws me closer. The feeling was so intense that I just have to have her. I know it was the boy inside talking. But I chunk all reason out and pursue her like mad. It was thrilling; discovering her. She was everything I expect her to be and more.
But then, the feeling wane out. I don’t know why but I could not bring myself to love her. Truth be told, I was bored. She was so predictable and was too eager to please. That was a big no for me. With capital N. I guess I just gave up on her.
I thought I was past her. But even after I married my wife, I still want her. Maybe I was just greedy. I know for a fact that I do not love her, but she was so willing. Who on earth would resist such temptation? So far the arrangement was perfect for me. She never complaints, never expect anything from me. It was as if she knew that if she crosses the line, I would leave. I could see it in her eyes; her fear and helplessness. But a man got to do what a man got to do.
Besides, how can I love someone who does not love herself?
Case 003
The wife
He was the world’s greatest husband. Everybody says so and I know for a fact that that was true. We were married 6 years ago and we have two kids now. He still holds my hand when we go out. He never forgets birthdays and still lavishes me with presents. But what I love the most was his kisses. Little kisses on my cheeks and forehead that he would give unexpectedly.
He cries when our first child was born. He holds my hands then and kisses them in gratitude. I cried too seeing how much he loves us. From that moment on, I never doubt him. Surely a man like him would not cheat on me.
People say women are intuitive, I was not sure that holds true for me. Because sometimes when I look at him I saw someone else. I know it could not be, but that makes me anxious. Of course there were no other women, because if there was I would know. I check his phone regularly and I never found anything suspicious. It was not that I did not trust him, but a woman had to be sure, right?
There was nothing wrong with him. It was just that sometimes I feel guilty because he was so kind and loving. It felt as if I was not giving enough and I had this nagging feeling that something was not right but I do not know what it was.
Am I worrying too much?
Case 001
The other woman
As I watch from the side lines, life passes me by. Everyone was living a simple life with so much happiness and love. I was just empty. Living in a tangled web of lies, living in sin. At first it was just a black dot on my white canvas. But then it gets bigger as my heart began to forget. The first thing I forgot is what it means to miss someone. And then I forgot how great it felt to be treated nicely. By then I was force to left my protected shell and I forgot what it felt like to feel safe. Now I almost forgot what love feels like; as if it was a dream that I had to struggle to remember once I wake up from a long troubling night.
I had no choice. He was my boyfriend at college. He left me on our third year. He said he didn’t love me. He tried to, but he could not. He said it was lust at first sight; what we had. I was just confused. If we were wrong why it felt so right then. But I let him go. Because that was what he want.
He came back. Not because he love me but because he lust for me. I knew I had to be firm but I love him so. I just want to have something that I could remember, a token of memory to embody all that I felt towards him. Even if it was only temporary. Even as I knew he was just fooling around with me. Sex was only part of the reason. At least I would know what it felt like to be in his embrace. At least I could hold on to the memory.
He has a girlfriend then. Someone who is more worthy of him, he said. I kept my silence. There was nothing I could do. At first it was devastating. He was so mean to me, he stop caring. For him I was only a body without soul, just a woman whom he bed. There was a saying: ignorance hurt more than outright dislike. I know how true the words then. But I stay because it was the only thing to do.
He married his girlfriend after college. I never knew how I got through those days; when he proposed to her, got engaged, get married and have his first child. I stay because I don’t know a life without him.
My life change. Everybody thought I had it all. But in truth I had nothing. Of course a beautiful face plus great carrier plus big house and car would equal perfection. But I knew better. My days were spent waiting for his call. We never go out in public though. He was very careful that no one should know about us. Either it was phone sex or just plain old sex. That was all he gave me.
It felt as if I was living a doomed life. But I never stop hoping that one day he would have pity, that he would at least feel compassion towards me.
Case 002
The husband
Aurora. That was her name. She was beautiful, but everybody knows that. She was also something else. She was a rare combination of beauty and guile. When I looked at her I just want to crush her, to have her moan my name, to own her. She has that affect on me. And once I have had her, I wanted more.
At first it was because she wounded my ego. I hate her knowing eyes or that smug smile. It was as if she could look straight into my heart and knows my darkest secret. I really hate that.
I was also fascinated by her. It was something that I could never put my fingers on. Like there was this black allure in her that draws me closer. The feeling was so intense that I just have to have her. I know it was the boy inside talking. But I chunk all reason out and pursue her like mad. It was thrilling; discovering her. She was everything I expect her to be and more.
But then, the feeling wane out. I don’t know why but I could not bring myself to love her. Truth be told, I was bored. She was so predictable and was too eager to please. That was a big no for me. With capital N. I guess I just gave up on her.
I thought I was past her. But even after I married my wife, I still want her. Maybe I was just greedy. I know for a fact that I do not love her, but she was so willing. Who on earth would resist such temptation? So far the arrangement was perfect for me. She never complaints, never expect anything from me. It was as if she knew that if she crosses the line, I would leave. I could see it in her eyes; her fear and helplessness. But a man got to do what a man got to do.
Besides, how can I love someone who does not love herself?
Case 003
The wife
He was the world’s greatest husband. Everybody says so and I know for a fact that that was true. We were married 6 years ago and we have two kids now. He still holds my hand when we go out. He never forgets birthdays and still lavishes me with presents. But what I love the most was his kisses. Little kisses on my cheeks and forehead that he would give unexpectedly.
He cries when our first child was born. He holds my hands then and kisses them in gratitude. I cried too seeing how much he loves us. From that moment on, I never doubt him. Surely a man like him would not cheat on me.
People say women are intuitive, I was not sure that holds true for me. Because sometimes when I look at him I saw someone else. I know it could not be, but that makes me anxious. Of course there were no other women, because if there was I would know. I check his phone regularly and I never found anything suspicious. It was not that I did not trust him, but a woman had to be sure, right?
There was nothing wrong with him. It was just that sometimes I feel guilty because he was so kind and loving. It felt as if I was not giving enough and I had this nagging feeling that something was not right but I do not know what it was.
Am I worrying too much?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
