Chapter 8

She was jabbing away at the notebook in front of her. Key strokes after keystrokes of concentration and was patiently tucking away a stubborn stray hair behind an ear. And then, she smiles at the gesture. I remember telling her that those luscious locks gave her an almost royal look; like a princess. She would hit me playfully then, saying I was just pulling her legs and pretending dislike. But she would smile appreciatively nonetheless. For some reason it makes me feel warm inside; maybe she was remembering that too, I thought wistfully.
Sensing my presence she looks up to face me. To my surprise her face registered no shock at all. She looked calm and composed.”I knew you would come and find me.” She said.
“Because you would want to know what happen to me” she adds, answering the silent question in my eyes. She sighs before looking back at me. A pang of loss washes over me; she looked untroubled, It was as if yesterday didn’t happen, as if she never cries so brokenly in my arms before telling me that I was years too late. Had I cease to have meaning for her just in an overnight?
She smiles a genuine smile this time and motions me to sit down. I notice that she seems to carry herself with polished sophistication now. She was not my little princess anymore. She had changed somehow, I thought with a twinge.
“I was pregnant with your child” she looked straight into my eyes and drop the bombshell. I could feel all the color draining from my face. I used to brood over what happen to her but I never expect this.
“What??..how?..where now..?” She ignores my question, she was looking into space, and there was this far away look in her eyes. She was remembering that night, I thought with shame.
“It felt like betrayal, what you did to me. I trusted you so.” She began.
I squirm in my seat, recovering from the shock of her news. But another surge of wild happiness shot through. Our baby. We had a baby together. I ponder over it and I feel warm inside again.
“When you left me that night, I thought I could never forgive you. But as much as I hate you for what you did, I know that in my heart of hearts I would have easily forgiven you if only you would explain.” She stops to look at me. I open my mouth to say I was sorry, but I couldn’t bring myself to. She deserves so much more than just an apology. So I look at her instead and notice for the first time the dead look in her eyes. For some reason, cold dread gripped at my insides.
“But days turn into weeks and weeks into months and you never came. You were gone just like that. No explanation, no calls, no letters, nothing. Every night I lay awake wondering what went wrong.” She continues, the dead look still in her eyes.
“When I realized I was pregnant, I knew I had to leave home. Mom and dad would kill me if they knew. Leaving home seems like the simplest solution then. Mum and dad never question what I was up to and I told them I was leaving home to tour the world for a year and they believe it. I quit university and took out all my savings. I know the money would last until my baby were born” absentmindedly she clutch at her tummy, remembering.
I discovered something new about her then. I always knew that she was fiercely independent but I never thought she would be that clear and cold headed in facing such turmoil.
“What happen to my baby?” I asked against my better judgment. But I don’t care. I knew I had to make it up to her. I will beg her to marry me, I’ll do whatever it takes, I won’t leave her again, not this time. I thought fiercely.
“My daughter died” her head hung at her side now, she look so defeated. “I had a miscarriage’ she told me flatly. Her words cut through so profoundly that I found myself swaying on the spot, reeling from the pain. This cant be happening. I refuse to believe it.
“The doctor said I left it too late. That day, I felt cramp down at my stomach. I checked, and saw that there was blood, it was just a little red dot then, I make myself believe that it was nothing. Maybe it’s because deep inside I always knew that I was not fortunate enough to be a mother. So I ignore the dull throbbing I feel and the next thing I knew I had lost her. ”
I could see that she was weary now and all the fight was leaving her. How I wish I could reach out for her and held her in my arms. A single tear escapes and I wipe it away hastily. I was still trying to take it all in; the loss of our baby, the magnitude of her suffering and the fact that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.
“I could never have another child, Nick” she told me brokenly. All her previous self control were now gone. I realized she was wounded; she sat slumped on her seat looking thoroughly defeated and crushed. I Knew she told me all this because she feel she could relate to me. She wants me to share her grief because it was our baby that was lost from us forever. Ours..how cruel can life be;The possibility that we have a baby together, the embodiment of our love but in too short a time it was taken from us. How tantalizing the dream seems yet how harsh reality really strikes?
“Maya..” I got up to reach for her. But something in her eyes makes me stop in my track. She wouldn’t appreciate the gesture, not now after all these years.
“Maya, give me one more chance, I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Maya stare at me disbelievingly. “You are married Nick. It won’t work. You can’t just pick it up where you left it. It’s too late now and I don’t need your pity. I can take care of myself.”
“I couldn’t live knowing it was all my fault. Please..Please let me take care of you, let me make things right again. I will explain to Arianna, she would understand. She always knew that I lo..”
Maya cut my musings to an abrupt halt.
“I am married now Nick” She told me. It was like a slap to my face, her words.
Like lid closing on a coffin; a mundane finality.

Chapter 7

The first time I saw her I thought I never saw a more defeated looking person. She sat slumped on her seat, staring into space. There was so much pain in her eyes that I wouldn’t be surprised if tears come leaking out of them. She had a very beautiful face though; it clashes with the grave look in her expression, giving away a tragic melancholy sensation that gave her an almost regal look. She just sat there, looking oddly alone, waiting for her interview and I remember thinking there was no way at all I would give her the finance.
“My name is Maya Riana” she told me when asked to introduce herself. I look at her proposal and start flipping them idly, expecting another sloppy application pitch from a typical over-ambitious beautiful girl like her. But to my amazement, it was quite good. She was very precise in the proposition with a no nonsense practicality that shows that she knew the industry well.
She explains her project with ease and confidence. Her steady voice betrays the beaten guise that her melancholy emanates. I look once more at her, more closely this time. The grief that was so profound in her eyes before were now gone. Her jaw set, her full lips gave a hint of a smile, not at all flirtious but more of a practiced professionalism. I notice that her tear drop shaped eyes were of a deep brown color, like dark chocolate. Against my will, I was mesmerized. She had the eyes that said everything, like a mirror it reflects her heart. And a very much broken heart at that if I could haphazard a guess.
I could give her the finance she seeks, I thought. But she had no background, I mean she was fresh out of college with no prior experience; I couldn’t bring myself to trust that she could handle this project she proposed regardless of how good she sounds on paper.
I was about to say no when she look at me, saying the reason she wants to do this is to avoid killing herself. She was defiantly looking back at me, daring me to condemn her jibe. I recognize that she was not being offensive. She was just hurt. There was this steely determination in her eyes now that reminds me so much of my younger self. And I found myself unbelievingly believing her dreams.
She stays true to her word. By the end of the first year her book café were up and running. She named her store Angel Book café. And I thought how very true the name was; it suits her personality perfectly. Like an angel she gave light to everybody she touches.

Chapter 6

“Why should I give you this project?” he demands of me, flipping the pages of my proposal, glaring at the numbers in front of him.
“To stop me from killing myself?” I try. His hand stops in its track, but his face was impassive. He looks up at me. Hard. As if trying to decide whether to laugh at the revelation or to chase me out from his spacious office. I look right back at him. And then his smooth face broke into a smile.
“Interesting, but risky all the same. Your answer, I mean” He add after my baffled expression.
“Your answer might gave the impression that you were emotionally retarded or just plain stupid; taking into consideration that your cheek could jeopardize this chance”
I shift uncomfortably in my seat, fighting the whim to kick myself. He was right. I was stupid. What was I thinking? That’s the problem. These days I didn’t think. I just act on impulse.
“But it could also mean you would do right by this project. I found it best not to underestimate a woman, especially one with such fortitude” He extends his hand and clasp mine in a handshake.
“Congratulation Miss Maya Riana, I believe you have found yourself a financier”
I gape at him, astound by his abrupt decision. He smiles at me. His face kind and benign, too much understanding in his eyes. I averted my gaze. People say he was intimidating, I couldn’t help but agree with them. Mr Amil Hakimi at 43 was indeed a venerable figure.
“Why?” I asked him.
“Because I have the money” he answered simply. I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Oddly enough I feel all the tension leaving my body and I relax a little.
“Now, you understand that by extending you the loan I will retain ten percent of total ownership” He continues, all businesslike now.
“Yes sir, I am aware of your terms and condition and I have no problem with that” I assure him. “As you requested, repayment will start the year after next and that include 10 percent interest as well.” I promise him, practically quoting the contract his secretary gave me just before the meeting.
“Miss Maya, since we were going to be partner in business I think we should drop the formalities. Just call me Amil. Uncle Amil, if you should prefer it” he wink at me good-naturedly.
“Its Maya for you too then,” I corrected him.
“Maya” He repeat my name, humoring me. “About the contract, there were few clauses I’d like to change”. My heart sunk. If he increases the interest rate I wouldn’t be able to pay his monthly installment. I might have to decline the offer after all. Besides, this was too good to be true. Why would he give me the loan? I was nobody in this industry, with no prior achievement or family opulence that could give credibility to my name.
“Maya..I am going to give you a free reign. I’ve read your proposal and it’s a good one. You were very detail, maybe a little too ambitious but it gives the impression that you know what you were doing”
“What do you mean..” I was almost afraid to ask. This can’t be happening. I pinch my arm just to make absolute certain. Ouch. Ok, that hurt.
“You are not dreaming Maya.” He assures me. “I’ll forfeit the interest and you can start repayment after 3 years has elapsed. But I want monthly report on progress. Without fail.” He stressed. “Bear in mind that I could call off this loan should your project fail to meet my requirement.”
“I could live with that” I squeak nervously. Trying to take it all in. This is it. My very first step.
“The new contract will be ready by tomorrow and by the end of this week, the loan will be wired and you could get started.”
That was how I met him. My husband. And that was how I started Angel Book Café. From the very beginning he trusted me. I couldn’t betray that trust now. It felt disloyal to be weeping my heart out before him for another man. I could have kicked myself for being that inconsiderate. Deep inside I know he knew that sometimes I still lay wide awake at night, remembering. It hurt that I could never love him as completely and abundantly as I had love Nick. He deserves so much more than I could ever give him.
I groan with the injustice of it all. Why should Nick come back now? And why oh why it hurt so much? Surely time would have lessened the pain, wouldn’t it?