chapter 5

How could I? That question keep coming back to me, time and again plastering me and tormenting my soul. And I would put my face in my hands trying to shake it away wishing I never did the terrible things I did to her.
I try to find an excuse plausible enough to justify what I did. But try as I might I can’t seem to find good enough a reason. I was so much in love with her and I thought it’s the only way to keep her close. How very wrong I was.
Remembering her, her small frame crouch in misery, disbelief and terror in her eyes brought tears of shame to mine. I was so embarrass afterwards that I couldn’t look her in the eye. I tried to say I was sorry. But even as I spoke the words, they sound vacant.
Like a coward I left her alone in her suffering. I couldn’t face her. I realized I should have explained. But deep down I know it wouldn’t be enough. What ever I said would just be empty words void of meaning. She deserve more than that. So I left. Hoping that one day she could find it in her heart to forgive me.
But maybe she couldn’t. Seeing her again, pain and anger still visible in her eyes make me appreciate that perhaps she hasn’t been able to forgive me even after all this time. I didn’t blame her for that. But it hurt when she recoils from me as if my mere glance would scorch.
I guess I forfeit the rights to her warmth and kindness when I had so mercilessly takes her against her will. But I try not to think of what happened that ill-fated day on that term. It was because I love her so much that I desperately wanted her. I couldn’t face losing her and I did the only thing any egoistic unsecure twenty years old boy would do- I try to make her mine. I know it was a lame excuse. Actually it can’t be constitute as an excuse at all. But that was how my twenty years old mind works. It was not something I was proud of. In fact, I regret it every single day of my adult life. I regret putting her through that much pain. If I could re-write everything, I know without a doubt that I would.
With a heavy heart I trotted back to the bedroom. Arianna was asleep. Her breathing was slightly labored. I touch her temple for body temperature; she stirs a little but continues to sleep. I sat beside her, idly stroking her hair. The kids were due from the nursery in an hour. I sigh. My mind wanders back to Maya. How can I ever make it up to her? Shame welled inside me like venom. God, I couldn’t live with this guilt.
“A penny for your thoughts” Arianna smiles sleepily at me.
“Hey…Go back to sleep. Don’t worry about the kids, I’ll take them home”
I promised and bent down to kiss her temple.
“You seem disturbed. What’s bothering you?” she had her head on my torso now, her delicate hands fingering the button on my shirt.
“Uh..Nothing. It’s just something from work” I told her, hoping she wouldn’t notice the quiver in my voice.
“She’s very beautiful, isn’t she?” Arianna asked me instead.
“Who?” I feigned innocence. My mind was in overdrive. I must not let Arianna know, she’s too frail. She wouldn’t be able to understand and it would hurt her.
“Maya. She’s very beautiful, isn’t she?”
“Uh, err. I guess…” I said unconcern, but my heart skips a beat.
“You must know her already” she round on me expectantly. I was taken aback and at loss of words so I just stare at her.
“Why? Should I know her?” I decide to play safe and pretend as if I haven’t got a clue.
“Maya Riana.” She emphasizes and my heart lurch to my throat at the mention of her name. Arianna was looking triumphant as if she had managed to prove a very difficult point just by citing the name. I look at Arianna; puzzled now. She can’t have known that Maya and I had a history together. So, what was she talking about? Should I recognize Maya’s name from somewhere? I frown my bewilderment.
“She’s my boss. She owns Angel Book Café chain” Arianna enlightened my confusion.
Angel Book Café was the largest book café chain in the country. With a KLSE listing it was also one of the most notorious in the industry. Before going public it was rumored that the chain was single handedly own by an anonymous woman entrepreneur. Anonymous because she refused any interviews from the press and kept her private life low profile.
I opened my mouth and close them again. Now, that really surprises me.
Arianna laugh at the astonishment reflected on my face. “I told you about my new job, didn’t I? I must have mentioned her more than twenty times already”
I grope my mind for any recollection. I remember Arianna telling me that she was switching her job. That she’s now in charge of a charity project initiate by her new company as part of their corporate social responsibility program. But she never brings up Maya. If she had, I would definitely remember. I know I would.
“How? I mean how you two met?” I swallowed hard. Thinking this was dangerous territory; talking about Maya when the shock of seeing her again was still so raw, when my feelings was still in turmoil over her.
“I met her at the park when I was walking the kids. She came up to us. Says the boys were cute. She had a little girl with her. I know I liked her in that instance” Maya told her story, brimming at the reminiscence.
“Is she married?” I force the question out with as much courage I could gather. Please God. Please let Arianna say no. I found myself praying.
Arianna looked amused now. “I don’t think so. She said the little girl was her niece. Besides there’s no wedding band on her finger.” I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Why you were so interested in her?” Arianna ask suddenly. To ovoid answering her, I got up and reach for my car keys on the table. ”The kids” I mouthed and were gone in an instant.