The day before Hari Raya dad invited his brothers for ifthar. That comes out as a shock to us; what with preparation for Hari Raya the next day and preparing a banquet for approximately 30 people (dad’s brothers and their family) to boot. But dad holds his ground saying it’s the perfect time for a little family bonding. Mom takes the news with calm resignation. “Just get this over with.” We interpreted her silence as such and nod solemnly when she told us to watch over her pot of rendang or to cook glutinous rice in bamboo.
By midday, tension was running high as we were all tired from fasting. I fought the urge to toss away the lemang bamboo in my hands and catch up on my badly needed sleep. My insomnia not withstanding the day was hot and seems to drag on forever as any hot day would. Dad divides us into two groups. My third and fourth sisters was with mom preparing the wretched rendang and other dishes for ifthar- which include roasted chicken in coconut milk cream, salad with chunk of squid and soup made of lamb and herbs I couldn’t named. Whereas the rest of us were at the front lawn, preparing our signature Hari Raya cuisine; my dad’s famous lemang, which was actually a blend of glutinous rice and coconut milk cooked in bamboo. Dad set up place to cook the lemang, cut the bamboo in the exact same size and order us to fill the bamboo with glutinous rice and coconut milk prior to cooking them by the open fire. We laid banana leaves in the bamboo‘s hallow section as a covering base before pouring in saturated glutinous rice and coconut milk. After what seem like forever all the bamboo was filled and lined before the open fire to be cooked. We breathe collective sights of relief.
Mom left her rendang shimmering on the stove and supervises house cleaning session. I already did the cleaning that morning but she rally us once more so that every nook and cranny were polish to their righteous gleam.
I was particularly uptight that morning and had to fight the urge to kick something, anything at all just to let loose of all the adrenaline rushing through my body like impending herd of buffalo. I’ve had another sleepless night and wake up feeling angry at everything at sight in general and at myself specifically. By 9 a.m ,I hoist myself up from bed and abandoned all hope of catching up on my sleep. I brush my teeth and fuming at the slowness of the tap water. Mom knocks on may door and told me that they (my mom and dad) were getting my second sister from the bus station as she was due home that morning. I nod my acknowledgement and grit my teeth as another spark of anger flare deep inside. What was wrong with me? I thought furiously, fighting another urge to kick myself.
I change into my oldest shirt and worn out khakis and begin scrubbing the house clean. By the time mom and dad got back, I already finish doing the laundry, mom’s pots and pan gleaming on their rack and the house finally looks like it was inhabited by someone. Mom shot an amused look in my direction but said nothing. But dad, as usual was oblivious to any changes around the house. My sister trotted inside with her heavy begs and wink at me.
Before the evening wore out, another disaster strike; we run out of ice cubes. Mom sent my little brother to the grocery shop together with a list of ingredient for Nasi Minyak. I groan inwardly- mom got to be kidding me. How on earth could we survive this evening? Let alone preparing another time consuming dish even if hers was the best Nasi Minyak in the whole wide world. But I wisely choose to say nothing. Mom was a little red in the face by now and nobody and I mean nobody would risk any exchange that could infuriate her further.
Songs with Hari Raya theme were gently playing on the background. We were assembled once again to our designated task; sweeping the floor, dusting the cabinet, changing old sheets to new ones and so on and on. Dad were cracking jokes and shooting furtive glance mom’s way hoping it would ebb away her anxiety over the upcoming ifthar. God bless him. I could see that mom gradually relax a little and even manage to laugh at his jokes.
Fifteen minutes before ifthar our guests arrived. The kitchen was in chaos, there was always a missing spoon or misplaced plate. And nothing seems to be where they should be. But as luck would have it, everything turns out gracefully well. Mom’s cooking was fabulous as always, and everyone was fed and happy. Dad was all smiles and seems pleased with how it all turns out. We know that he loves his brothers even if they don’t deserve it at times.
By ten o’clock, our guest left one by one leaving piles of plates and dirty dishes on the sink. My heart sunk; there goes my early night. I rolled my sleeves and began sorting the plates before washing them.
Afterwards, my grandmother who lives in a house adjacent to us came with a tray of Tapai; another traditional Hari Raya cuisine also made from glutinous rice. The Tapai was wrapped in banana leaves and conserve with yeast and sugar three days prior to Hari Raya to get that sticky sweet and acerbic flavor that usually constitute what Tapai should have taste like.
The festive atmosphere seems to sweep the house into a frenzy of activities. My sisters rolled out new carpets, switch Hari Raya cookies from the jar into container with little ribbons in assortment of rainbow colors, and laid out their Baju Raya to be pressed before hanging them, ready to be worn for Hari Raya the next day.
Outside, children were playing with firecracker and singing assortment of Hari Raya songs of their choice. Oil lanterns flick jerkily, casting golden tinge over the dark night like blanket. Occasional bang from fireworks display courtesy of grown men in the village puncture the night’s serene mood. But we all laugh it off and continue with whatever it was that we were doing; euphoric in anticipation of the upcoming Hari Raya.
That night, I went to bed and lay awake for quite sometime, tossing and turning, my head spinning but miraculously my anger subside and for the first time in many years I feel content. Maybe it’s Hari Raya or maybe it’s being with my family; laughing, fighting, screaming at each other and working together make me feel like it was where I belong. That night before Hari Raya, I healed. With a smile on my face, I relish the feeling; the realization that I had finally come home before fatigue claim me as its own and whisked me away to the world of blissful dreams.
Monday, September 28, 2009
chapter 5
How could I? That question keep coming back to me, time and again plastering me and tormenting my soul. And I would put my face in my hands trying to shake it away wishing I never did the terrible things I did to her.
I try to find an excuse plausible enough to justify what I did. But try as I might I can’t seem to find good enough a reason. I was so much in love with her and I thought it’s the only way to keep her close. How very wrong I was.
Remembering her, her small frame crouch in misery, disbelief and terror in her eyes brought tears of shame to mine. I was so embarrass afterwards that I couldn’t look her in the eye. I tried to say I was sorry. But even as I spoke the words, they sound vacant.
Like a coward I left her alone in her suffering. I couldn’t face her. I realized I should have explained. But deep down I know it wouldn’t be enough. What ever I said would just be empty words void of meaning. She deserve more than that. So I left. Hoping that one day she could find it in her heart to forgive me.
But maybe she couldn’t. Seeing her again, pain and anger still visible in her eyes make me appreciate that perhaps she hasn’t been able to forgive me even after all this time. I didn’t blame her for that. But it hurt when she recoils from me as if my mere glance would scorch.
I guess I forfeit the rights to her warmth and kindness when I had so mercilessly takes her against her will. But I try not to think of what happened that ill-fated day on that term. It was because I love her so much that I desperately wanted her. I couldn’t face losing her and I did the only thing any egoistic unsecure twenty years old boy would do- I try to make her mine. I know it was a lame excuse. Actually it can’t be constitute as an excuse at all. But that was how my twenty years old mind works. It was not something I was proud of. In fact, I regret it every single day of my adult life. I regret putting her through that much pain. If I could re-write everything, I know without a doubt that I would.
With a heavy heart I trotted back to the bedroom. Arianna was asleep. Her breathing was slightly labored. I touch her temple for body temperature; she stirs a little but continues to sleep. I sat beside her, idly stroking her hair. The kids were due from the nursery in an hour. I sigh. My mind wanders back to Maya. How can I ever make it up to her? Shame welled inside me like venom. God, I couldn’t live with this guilt.
“A penny for your thoughts” Arianna smiles sleepily at me.
“Hey…Go back to sleep. Don’t worry about the kids, I’ll take them home”
I promised and bent down to kiss her temple.
“You seem disturbed. What’s bothering you?” she had her head on my torso now, her delicate hands fingering the button on my shirt.
“Uh..Nothing. It’s just something from work” I told her, hoping she wouldn’t notice the quiver in my voice.
“She’s very beautiful, isn’t she?” Arianna asked me instead.
“Who?” I feigned innocence. My mind was in overdrive. I must not let Arianna know, she’s too frail. She wouldn’t be able to understand and it would hurt her.
“Maya. She’s very beautiful, isn’t she?”
“Uh, err. I guess…” I said unconcern, but my heart skips a beat.
“You must know her already” she round on me expectantly. I was taken aback and at loss of words so I just stare at her.
“Why? Should I know her?” I decide to play safe and pretend as if I haven’t got a clue.
“Maya Riana.” She emphasizes and my heart lurch to my throat at the mention of her name. Arianna was looking triumphant as if she had managed to prove a very difficult point just by citing the name. I look at Arianna; puzzled now. She can’t have known that Maya and I had a history together. So, what was she talking about? Should I recognize Maya’s name from somewhere? I frown my bewilderment.
“She’s my boss. She owns Angel Book Café chain” Arianna enlightened my confusion.
Angel Book Café was the largest book café chain in the country. With a KLSE listing it was also one of the most notorious in the industry. Before going public it was rumored that the chain was single handedly own by an anonymous woman entrepreneur. Anonymous because she refused any interviews from the press and kept her private life low profile.
I opened my mouth and close them again. Now, that really surprises me.
Arianna laugh at the astonishment reflected on my face. “I told you about my new job, didn’t I? I must have mentioned her more than twenty times already”
I grope my mind for any recollection. I remember Arianna telling me that she was switching her job. That she’s now in charge of a charity project initiate by her new company as part of their corporate social responsibility program. But she never brings up Maya. If she had, I would definitely remember. I know I would.
“How? I mean how you two met?” I swallowed hard. Thinking this was dangerous territory; talking about Maya when the shock of seeing her again was still so raw, when my feelings was still in turmoil over her.
“I met her at the park when I was walking the kids. She came up to us. Says the boys were cute. She had a little girl with her. I know I liked her in that instance” Maya told her story, brimming at the reminiscence.
“Is she married?” I force the question out with as much courage I could gather. Please God. Please let Arianna say no. I found myself praying.
Arianna looked amused now. “I don’t think so. She said the little girl was her niece. Besides there’s no wedding band on her finger.” I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Why you were so interested in her?” Arianna ask suddenly. To ovoid answering her, I got up and reach for my car keys on the table. ”The kids” I mouthed and were gone in an instant.
I try to find an excuse plausible enough to justify what I did. But try as I might I can’t seem to find good enough a reason. I was so much in love with her and I thought it’s the only way to keep her close. How very wrong I was.
Remembering her, her small frame crouch in misery, disbelief and terror in her eyes brought tears of shame to mine. I was so embarrass afterwards that I couldn’t look her in the eye. I tried to say I was sorry. But even as I spoke the words, they sound vacant.
Like a coward I left her alone in her suffering. I couldn’t face her. I realized I should have explained. But deep down I know it wouldn’t be enough. What ever I said would just be empty words void of meaning. She deserve more than that. So I left. Hoping that one day she could find it in her heart to forgive me.
But maybe she couldn’t. Seeing her again, pain and anger still visible in her eyes make me appreciate that perhaps she hasn’t been able to forgive me even after all this time. I didn’t blame her for that. But it hurt when she recoils from me as if my mere glance would scorch.
I guess I forfeit the rights to her warmth and kindness when I had so mercilessly takes her against her will. But I try not to think of what happened that ill-fated day on that term. It was because I love her so much that I desperately wanted her. I couldn’t face losing her and I did the only thing any egoistic unsecure twenty years old boy would do- I try to make her mine. I know it was a lame excuse. Actually it can’t be constitute as an excuse at all. But that was how my twenty years old mind works. It was not something I was proud of. In fact, I regret it every single day of my adult life. I regret putting her through that much pain. If I could re-write everything, I know without a doubt that I would.
With a heavy heart I trotted back to the bedroom. Arianna was asleep. Her breathing was slightly labored. I touch her temple for body temperature; she stirs a little but continues to sleep. I sat beside her, idly stroking her hair. The kids were due from the nursery in an hour. I sigh. My mind wanders back to Maya. How can I ever make it up to her? Shame welled inside me like venom. God, I couldn’t live with this guilt.
“A penny for your thoughts” Arianna smiles sleepily at me.
“Hey…Go back to sleep. Don’t worry about the kids, I’ll take them home”
I promised and bent down to kiss her temple.
“You seem disturbed. What’s bothering you?” she had her head on my torso now, her delicate hands fingering the button on my shirt.
“Uh..Nothing. It’s just something from work” I told her, hoping she wouldn’t notice the quiver in my voice.
“She’s very beautiful, isn’t she?” Arianna asked me instead.
“Who?” I feigned innocence. My mind was in overdrive. I must not let Arianna know, she’s too frail. She wouldn’t be able to understand and it would hurt her.
“Maya. She’s very beautiful, isn’t she?”
“Uh, err. I guess…” I said unconcern, but my heart skips a beat.
“You must know her already” she round on me expectantly. I was taken aback and at loss of words so I just stare at her.
“Why? Should I know her?” I decide to play safe and pretend as if I haven’t got a clue.
“Maya Riana.” She emphasizes and my heart lurch to my throat at the mention of her name. Arianna was looking triumphant as if she had managed to prove a very difficult point just by citing the name. I look at Arianna; puzzled now. She can’t have known that Maya and I had a history together. So, what was she talking about? Should I recognize Maya’s name from somewhere? I frown my bewilderment.
“She’s my boss. She owns Angel Book Café chain” Arianna enlightened my confusion.
Angel Book Café was the largest book café chain in the country. With a KLSE listing it was also one of the most notorious in the industry. Before going public it was rumored that the chain was single handedly own by an anonymous woman entrepreneur. Anonymous because she refused any interviews from the press and kept her private life low profile.
I opened my mouth and close them again. Now, that really surprises me.
Arianna laugh at the astonishment reflected on my face. “I told you about my new job, didn’t I? I must have mentioned her more than twenty times already”
I grope my mind for any recollection. I remember Arianna telling me that she was switching her job. That she’s now in charge of a charity project initiate by her new company as part of their corporate social responsibility program. But she never brings up Maya. If she had, I would definitely remember. I know I would.
“How? I mean how you two met?” I swallowed hard. Thinking this was dangerous territory; talking about Maya when the shock of seeing her again was still so raw, when my feelings was still in turmoil over her.
“I met her at the park when I was walking the kids. She came up to us. Says the boys were cute. She had a little girl with her. I know I liked her in that instance” Maya told her story, brimming at the reminiscence.
“Is she married?” I force the question out with as much courage I could gather. Please God. Please let Arianna say no. I found myself praying.
Arianna looked amused now. “I don’t think so. She said the little girl was her niece. Besides there’s no wedding band on her finger.” I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Why you were so interested in her?” Arianna ask suddenly. To ovoid answering her, I got up and reach for my car keys on the table. ”The kids” I mouthed and were gone in an instant.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
chapter 4
I didn’t remember how I got back to my office. Didn’t remember how I got through the day. Everything was a blur, I nod at the right time, smile on appropriate situations, answered a clipped yes and keep my voice as cheerful as I dare without breaking down and cry my heart out right there and then.
Seeing him again had unwind me. I don’t know what I was feeling. But deep down I always knew that I would see him again. I try to focus on work at hand; we were expecting a stock delivery later in the evening. I look around at my book café. This was my dream. Not long ago, I stood at this very door, trying to pick the pieces of my broken heart, running away from the life I had with him. Bury myself in work to dull the pain, hoping beyond hope that it would go away. Today, I realized with a jolt that the pain never goes away. My feelings for him lay dormant in my heart, waiting..Just waiting for him to come home to me again. Did I really love him that much? I contemplate the question, almost afraid to know the answer. God, I can’t do this. I pick my LV and went home.
The house felt cold. The floor creaks with my heavy footsteps. I need my supply of chocolate. I thought. I drag myself to the kitchen, place my LV and keys on the counter top and make myself a cup of hot chocolate. I sat hugging my knees, clutching my mug of chocolate for warmth and stare into space. He feels like another lifetime away. So far yet heartbreakingly close.
I close my eyes and saw his tear strained face, agony on his chiseled profile. We used to be so much in love. What happened to us? I used to brood over that during those lonely nights without him, but in the innermost part of my heart I know that what happens to us was him.
He changed.
I remember that fateful day as if it was yesterday. It was drizzling and wet and the wind blows a little too hard. He knocks on my door looking thoroughly despondent. He was soaked to the skin. I try to help him inside but he pushes my hand away. That should have given me some inkling that something was very wrong with him. But I was too busy worrying the fact that he was leaking all over my doormat to notice.
“What..”
I never finish the sentence as he tosses me and pinned me to the wall. Both his hands gripped mine. His face contorts with anguish, his breathing uneven. There was this mad gleam in his eyes that I couldn’t comprehend.
“Nick. You are hurting me” I cry hoping he would come to his senses. But he just ignores my appeal. His hands probing, his mouth crushing mine hungrily. I try to push him away but he was too strong for me. Tears sprung to my eyes. How could he do this to me? Hopelessness spread like flood through my vein. My legs felt like jelly underneath me.
“Nick please, don’t do this to me” I try to reason with him. But my plea fell on deaf ears. He rips off my night gown with a single rupture, his mouth trailing little kisses along my jaw line down to my neck. His hand stroking my bare back, moving down to my more intimate part of the body. I shudder, my body tremble uncontrollably.
“No. Please don’t..” I implore to the stranger in front of me. This cant be Nick. I thought desperately. Nick wouldn’t hurt me like this.
“I want you. I want you so badly”
He murmurs. His voice harsh and resolute. That sent a shiver to my body and stops me cold.
And then he carries me to my bedroom, dump me on the bed and start undressing. His bloodshot eyes caressing my now naked body. I close my eyes, willing, praying, hoping that this was all a bad dream. But it wasn’t, I feel his hands on me again. “God..” I could only pray. I struggle to break free but he tightens his arms around me and pinned me down. A single tear escape, he wipes it away. Kissing me again with renewed intensity, blind passion in his eyes.
I plead, I cry, I reason with him but to no avail. The monster before me was indifferent and unfeeling. He thrust deep inside me. Moaning my name, gasping and panting his own gratification.
If I ever suffer such searing pain as this, then I couldn’t remember it. Tears sprung again to my eyes. This time they wouldn’t stop. They stream down relentlessly, unashamedly as if trying to cleanse my now tainted body.
After that, he takes me into his embrace; hold my face into both his hands, his thumb caressing my jawbone and then he says he was sorry.
I was just numb; my body sore at places and my head wouldn’t stop spinning. How could he? I keep asking that question over and over in my mind. I feel so desolately loss but strangely detached; as if I step out of my own body and watch someone who look a lot like me broke into thousand little pieces that can’t be put together again.
I didn’t answer him, I just hold myself tightly, clamber into a ball staring into bleak nothingness in front of me.
Seeing him again had unwind me. I don’t know what I was feeling. But deep down I always knew that I would see him again. I try to focus on work at hand; we were expecting a stock delivery later in the evening. I look around at my book café. This was my dream. Not long ago, I stood at this very door, trying to pick the pieces of my broken heart, running away from the life I had with him. Bury myself in work to dull the pain, hoping beyond hope that it would go away. Today, I realized with a jolt that the pain never goes away. My feelings for him lay dormant in my heart, waiting..Just waiting for him to come home to me again. Did I really love him that much? I contemplate the question, almost afraid to know the answer. God, I can’t do this. I pick my LV and went home.
The house felt cold. The floor creaks with my heavy footsteps. I need my supply of chocolate. I thought. I drag myself to the kitchen, place my LV and keys on the counter top and make myself a cup of hot chocolate. I sat hugging my knees, clutching my mug of chocolate for warmth and stare into space. He feels like another lifetime away. So far yet heartbreakingly close.
I close my eyes and saw his tear strained face, agony on his chiseled profile. We used to be so much in love. What happened to us? I used to brood over that during those lonely nights without him, but in the innermost part of my heart I know that what happens to us was him.
He changed.
I remember that fateful day as if it was yesterday. It was drizzling and wet and the wind blows a little too hard. He knocks on my door looking thoroughly despondent. He was soaked to the skin. I try to help him inside but he pushes my hand away. That should have given me some inkling that something was very wrong with him. But I was too busy worrying the fact that he was leaking all over my doormat to notice.
“What..”
I never finish the sentence as he tosses me and pinned me to the wall. Both his hands gripped mine. His face contorts with anguish, his breathing uneven. There was this mad gleam in his eyes that I couldn’t comprehend.
“Nick. You are hurting me” I cry hoping he would come to his senses. But he just ignores my appeal. His hands probing, his mouth crushing mine hungrily. I try to push him away but he was too strong for me. Tears sprung to my eyes. How could he do this to me? Hopelessness spread like flood through my vein. My legs felt like jelly underneath me.
“Nick please, don’t do this to me” I try to reason with him. But my plea fell on deaf ears. He rips off my night gown with a single rupture, his mouth trailing little kisses along my jaw line down to my neck. His hand stroking my bare back, moving down to my more intimate part of the body. I shudder, my body tremble uncontrollably.
“No. Please don’t..” I implore to the stranger in front of me. This cant be Nick. I thought desperately. Nick wouldn’t hurt me like this.
“I want you. I want you so badly”
He murmurs. His voice harsh and resolute. That sent a shiver to my body and stops me cold.
And then he carries me to my bedroom, dump me on the bed and start undressing. His bloodshot eyes caressing my now naked body. I close my eyes, willing, praying, hoping that this was all a bad dream. But it wasn’t, I feel his hands on me again. “God..” I could only pray. I struggle to break free but he tightens his arms around me and pinned me down. A single tear escape, he wipes it away. Kissing me again with renewed intensity, blind passion in his eyes.
I plead, I cry, I reason with him but to no avail. The monster before me was indifferent and unfeeling. He thrust deep inside me. Moaning my name, gasping and panting his own gratification.
If I ever suffer such searing pain as this, then I couldn’t remember it. Tears sprung again to my eyes. This time they wouldn’t stop. They stream down relentlessly, unashamedly as if trying to cleanse my now tainted body.
After that, he takes me into his embrace; hold my face into both his hands, his thumb caressing my jawbone and then he says he was sorry.
I was just numb; my body sore at places and my head wouldn’t stop spinning. How could he? I keep asking that question over and over in my mind. I feel so desolately loss but strangely detached; as if I step out of my own body and watch someone who look a lot like me broke into thousand little pieces that can’t be put together again.
I didn’t answer him, I just hold myself tightly, clamber into a ball staring into bleak nothingness in front of me.
chapter 3
The house was strangely silent when I got back. It felt a little weird. I tip toed to the kitchen. I thought that’s where she would most likely be. I saw her sitting on a wooden chair beside the kitchen counter. She was hugging her knees, rocking back and forth, a mug of hot chocolate in her hands. She was staring into space, cupping her mug of chocolate tightly as if it was a lifeline. She looks up and saw me standing in the hallway. A single tear escape, she lets it drop.
I put my briefcase down. Striding towards her, my eyes never left hers. If I was worried before, I was frightened now. She looks so fragile, as if a single stroke of wind could shattered her. I gather her in my embrace. She clutches me tightly as if never wanting to let go. She sobs into my chest. I let her cry, stroking her hair, shushing her, trying to calm her down.
Oh God..Oh God..What I wouldn’t give to ease her pain? The hurt was so raw in her eyes that once again I feel helplessly helpless.
“What happened?” I asked after her tears subsided. She shook her head, like a puppy trying to get rid of water.
“I saw him again” she said attempting a weak smile. At first it didn’t register. What was she talking about? I was bewildered. What could possibly happen that would leave her in this state? But then I look down at the woman in my arms, her tiny frame shock with misery, her eyes full of pain and then, understanding downed.
I held her closer, hugging her tightly trying to give her some small comfort that I could, hoping beyond hope that I could take her pain away. But I couldn’t. Deep down I always knew that her wound runs too deep to ever be cured. But she was brave. She shut that part of her life and gets on with her life. For the first few years there’s this haunted look in her eyes; the ghost of her past, the remnant of a shattered dreams. But she ploughs on. Slowly but surely her eyes sparkles again, smiles return to her face. Like a desert in an aftermath of rain-she lives again.
“He’s married now” she said looking straight into my eyes. Her voice was oddly calm. Her beautiful face composed.
“I am sorry. I shouldn’t break down like this” she continues. I just look at her, trying to hide my anger. If only I could get my hands on that wretched man. I squeeze her hand, urging her on.
“I don’t know Arianna was his wife. I went there to her house because she calls in sick today. I was worried that she has been looking pale and drawn for quite sometime.” She sighs. “Arianna introduces us. I was so surprised my mind went blank.”
Her voice grows stronger and the tremor in them were now gone. I was inwardly thankful. She’s going to be okay, she had to be okay. I pray silently.
“So, what now?” I look at her. Fear gripped at my chest. I couldn’t loose her, I just couldn’t. She cringed, shocked at my question. But understanding downed in her wet eyes. She takes my hand into hers and kissed them tenderly, the way only she could.
“He told me he went looking for me. When he said he was sorry, all ‘what should have been’ passes through my eyes. But it was just that- a dream that would never materialized. I wouldn’t, couldn’t “.
At this point she looks up at me, willing me to look at her, to trust her. Deep down, I know I do. This amazing woman in my arms, tears clinging to her lashes like dew, her nose wet and running, her lips swollen and red, her vulnerable body clinging trustingly to me. But her gaze was steady and sure now, speaking words of assurance from its bottomless depth.
I put my briefcase down. Striding towards her, my eyes never left hers. If I was worried before, I was frightened now. She looks so fragile, as if a single stroke of wind could shattered her. I gather her in my embrace. She clutches me tightly as if never wanting to let go. She sobs into my chest. I let her cry, stroking her hair, shushing her, trying to calm her down.
Oh God..Oh God..What I wouldn’t give to ease her pain? The hurt was so raw in her eyes that once again I feel helplessly helpless.
“What happened?” I asked after her tears subsided. She shook her head, like a puppy trying to get rid of water.
“I saw him again” she said attempting a weak smile. At first it didn’t register. What was she talking about? I was bewildered. What could possibly happen that would leave her in this state? But then I look down at the woman in my arms, her tiny frame shock with misery, her eyes full of pain and then, understanding downed.
I held her closer, hugging her tightly trying to give her some small comfort that I could, hoping beyond hope that I could take her pain away. But I couldn’t. Deep down I always knew that her wound runs too deep to ever be cured. But she was brave. She shut that part of her life and gets on with her life. For the first few years there’s this haunted look in her eyes; the ghost of her past, the remnant of a shattered dreams. But she ploughs on. Slowly but surely her eyes sparkles again, smiles return to her face. Like a desert in an aftermath of rain-she lives again.
“He’s married now” she said looking straight into my eyes. Her voice was oddly calm. Her beautiful face composed.
“I am sorry. I shouldn’t break down like this” she continues. I just look at her, trying to hide my anger. If only I could get my hands on that wretched man. I squeeze her hand, urging her on.
“I don’t know Arianna was his wife. I went there to her house because she calls in sick today. I was worried that she has been looking pale and drawn for quite sometime.” She sighs. “Arianna introduces us. I was so surprised my mind went blank.”
Her voice grows stronger and the tremor in them were now gone. I was inwardly thankful. She’s going to be okay, she had to be okay. I pray silently.
“So, what now?” I look at her. Fear gripped at my chest. I couldn’t loose her, I just couldn’t. She cringed, shocked at my question. But understanding downed in her wet eyes. She takes my hand into hers and kissed them tenderly, the way only she could.
“He told me he went looking for me. When he said he was sorry, all ‘what should have been’ passes through my eyes. But it was just that- a dream that would never materialized. I wouldn’t, couldn’t “.
At this point she looks up at me, willing me to look at her, to trust her. Deep down, I know I do. This amazing woman in my arms, tears clinging to her lashes like dew, her nose wet and running, her lips swollen and red, her vulnerable body clinging trustingly to me. But her gaze was steady and sure now, speaking words of assurance from its bottomless depth.
chapter 2
When I first saw her again it was like I was transported through time. She wears an ivory white Baju Kurung dotted with little buds of white roses. Her head bent over the white porcelain vase on the bedside table, arranging pink carnation, her face curious. She was biting her lips – stilling laugh over something Arianna said. She was still smiling when her gaze drifted towards me standing transfixed at the bedroom door. Her smile froze. The world stood still. She looked at me as if seeing ghost. Her full lips tremble. Slowly, as if in trance, she stole a glance at Arianna on the bed. And then understanding downed. Her beautiful eyes temporarily lost its sparkle. But it was almost instantly replaced by blind determination.
Arianna beckoned me in to introduce her.
“This is Maya Riana”. She said.
I stood in front of Maya for a full five seconds before finding my voice.
“Hi”
That was all I could manage. And then I stood there gawking at her like goldfish in a bowl. Without thinking I inch closer, trying to cup her face with my hands. But she step back. She looks at me and shook her head a fraction. Her pale face inches from mine, terror prominent in her eyes. That makes me stop in my track.
“She still remembers”
I thought, and pain tore at my heart like a knife. God, I would like nothing more than to take her into my arms again and undo the hurt I caused her. Maya still hasn’t said a word. She wouldn’t look at me, but I know there was raw pain in her eyes.
“Erm.” I clear my dry throat, remembering that Arianna was also there in the room.
“Nice meeting you”
I extend my hand to Maya. She glances at Arianna before accepting my hand. Her small hand tremble in mine, it felt cold and limp. She manages a weak smile. I try to catch her eyes. But she just looked past me. I feel a small pang in my heart.
“I better get going. I am getting late” Maya excused herself. Her voice sounds weak. She got up to leave and kiss Arianna on both cheeks. Arianna said nothing. She was curiously silent. I touch her temple for body temperature. Her fever was gone but she still looks deathly pale. I frowned at her. She squeezes my hands.
“I am much better today” she manages.
“Can you please show Maya to the door?” She said looking up at me. I nodded absentmindedly. My head was still spinning. This was so unexpected. What should I say to Maya? I followed her out the door. She walks silently, her measured steps rigid and tense. She was still ignoring me.
“Please..Please.. look at me’ I will silently. As if hearing my silent plea, Maya turn around to face me. I stop in my tracks. She had her arms across her chest. A protective gesture- she once told me that. I remember back then in collage when she was doing a research on body language.
“Sit straight” she would insist. “It makes you seem interested.” “Keep eye contact, it shows that you are sincere.” The list goes on and on. I remember she would smile brightly; her big beautiful eyes narrow with expectation. And I would sit a little straighter, trying hard to catch her eyes just to see her smile widen, her eyes shining with pleasure.
The memory makes me smile. She caught that smile but say nothing. Color return to her face, red gleam in her eyes. She seems angry now. Subconsciously she gripped at her sides, hugging herself tightly for strength.
We were getting off to a wrong start. I thought desperately. I clear my throat, trying to muster the calm I didn’t feel.
“I came back for you. But nobody knew where you went”. I croaked.
Arianna beckoned me in to introduce her.
“This is Maya Riana”. She said.
I stood in front of Maya for a full five seconds before finding my voice.
“Hi”
That was all I could manage. And then I stood there gawking at her like goldfish in a bowl. Without thinking I inch closer, trying to cup her face with my hands. But she step back. She looks at me and shook her head a fraction. Her pale face inches from mine, terror prominent in her eyes. That makes me stop in my track.
“She still remembers”
I thought, and pain tore at my heart like a knife. God, I would like nothing more than to take her into my arms again and undo the hurt I caused her. Maya still hasn’t said a word. She wouldn’t look at me, but I know there was raw pain in her eyes.
“Erm.” I clear my dry throat, remembering that Arianna was also there in the room.
“Nice meeting you”
I extend my hand to Maya. She glances at Arianna before accepting my hand. Her small hand tremble in mine, it felt cold and limp. She manages a weak smile. I try to catch her eyes. But she just looked past me. I feel a small pang in my heart.
“I better get going. I am getting late” Maya excused herself. Her voice sounds weak. She got up to leave and kiss Arianna on both cheeks. Arianna said nothing. She was curiously silent. I touch her temple for body temperature. Her fever was gone but she still looks deathly pale. I frowned at her. She squeezes my hands.
“I am much better today” she manages.
“Can you please show Maya to the door?” She said looking up at me. I nodded absentmindedly. My head was still spinning. This was so unexpected. What should I say to Maya? I followed her out the door. She walks silently, her measured steps rigid and tense. She was still ignoring me.
“Please..Please.. look at me’ I will silently. As if hearing my silent plea, Maya turn around to face me. I stop in my tracks. She had her arms across her chest. A protective gesture- she once told me that. I remember back then in collage when she was doing a research on body language.
“Sit straight” she would insist. “It makes you seem interested.” “Keep eye contact, it shows that you are sincere.” The list goes on and on. I remember she would smile brightly; her big beautiful eyes narrow with expectation. And I would sit a little straighter, trying hard to catch her eyes just to see her smile widen, her eyes shining with pleasure.
The memory makes me smile. She caught that smile but say nothing. Color return to her face, red gleam in her eyes. She seems angry now. Subconsciously she gripped at her sides, hugging herself tightly for strength.
We were getting off to a wrong start. I thought desperately. I clear my throat, trying to muster the calm I didn’t feel.
“I came back for you. But nobody knew where you went”. I croaked.
chapter 1
“I came back for you. But nobody knew where you went”
He pleads. It’s ridiculous, after all these years he was now in front of me. His wind swept hair, his tall six foot frame, those startling eyes; it was like yesterday, he was still the same. But I wasn’t. I sigh and finally look up at him; only to find his eyes piercing me, scrutinizing every details of my profile. He inched closer, trying to cup my face with his hands. I close my eyes. God, I used to love it when he did that.
“Maya..” He looked at me. Pleading understanding. Advancing further that I could smell his Aqua di Gio.
“Don’t touch me!” I finally found my voice. He looked startled. He paused, looks helplessly at me and then backtracked. His hand hung loosely at his sides. He tried to say something. But seem to think better of it and just shock his head as if in trance.
I looked at him again, thinking hard of what to say to someone whom I dream of every night, who never leaves my waking thoughts for almost eight years now.
“I am sorry.”
He blurted. I am sorry?? How dare him! How can he just barge in into my life now and say he was sorry?? How could he possibly think that sorry was enough, or even justifiably ‘adequate’ to make up for everything that he put me through. If he thinks I could forgive him after all these years, then he was greatly mistaken. Rage spread like fire through my vein. Unconsciously I shook my head, bit my lip so hard that I drawn blood.
” Do you really think an ‘I am sorry ‘would be enough?”
I look at him and calmly asked him that question. I could feel my hands shock and my body tremble with the effort. He seems to feel the rage I feel inside.
With one swift movement he pulls me into his arms. He was so sudden I can’t think. Without even thinking I leaned on him for support.
“Oh God,” I heard him whisper. And he tightens his arms around me, as if never wanting to let me go, and then without knowing why, I cried. I cried so hard I thought my heart would break. He cares my hair, whispering soothing words, shushing me, saying everything will be all right now.
Memories dance in front of me. Everything he did, everything he said came crashing down like flood. How can everything be all right now that I had lost everything I cared about? Voice of reason kicked in and I looked up at him. He had his eyes closed. There were tears at the corners of his eyes. He let them fall. They glitter like tiny beads of pearl. He opens his eyes and looks at me. There’s so much pain in them. I hesitated. But I pull myself away and wipe my tears dry. It’s too late now. I heard my heart says. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.
“No. you are eight years too late” I said those words to him without betraying a flicker of emotion. And then I walk away. Leaving him shock and confuse. Leaving him the way I had found him
He pleads. It’s ridiculous, after all these years he was now in front of me. His wind swept hair, his tall six foot frame, those startling eyes; it was like yesterday, he was still the same. But I wasn’t. I sigh and finally look up at him; only to find his eyes piercing me, scrutinizing every details of my profile. He inched closer, trying to cup my face with his hands. I close my eyes. God, I used to love it when he did that.
“Maya..” He looked at me. Pleading understanding. Advancing further that I could smell his Aqua di Gio.
“Don’t touch me!” I finally found my voice. He looked startled. He paused, looks helplessly at me and then backtracked. His hand hung loosely at his sides. He tried to say something. But seem to think better of it and just shock his head as if in trance.
I looked at him again, thinking hard of what to say to someone whom I dream of every night, who never leaves my waking thoughts for almost eight years now.
“I am sorry.”
He blurted. I am sorry?? How dare him! How can he just barge in into my life now and say he was sorry?? How could he possibly think that sorry was enough, or even justifiably ‘adequate’ to make up for everything that he put me through. If he thinks I could forgive him after all these years, then he was greatly mistaken. Rage spread like fire through my vein. Unconsciously I shook my head, bit my lip so hard that I drawn blood.
” Do you really think an ‘I am sorry ‘would be enough?”
I look at him and calmly asked him that question. I could feel my hands shock and my body tremble with the effort. He seems to feel the rage I feel inside.
With one swift movement he pulls me into his arms. He was so sudden I can’t think. Without even thinking I leaned on him for support.
“Oh God,” I heard him whisper. And he tightens his arms around me, as if never wanting to let me go, and then without knowing why, I cried. I cried so hard I thought my heart would break. He cares my hair, whispering soothing words, shushing me, saying everything will be all right now.
Memories dance in front of me. Everything he did, everything he said came crashing down like flood. How can everything be all right now that I had lost everything I cared about? Voice of reason kicked in and I looked up at him. He had his eyes closed. There were tears at the corners of his eyes. He let them fall. They glitter like tiny beads of pearl. He opens his eyes and looks at me. There’s so much pain in them. I hesitated. But I pull myself away and wipe my tears dry. It’s too late now. I heard my heart says. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.
“No. you are eight years too late” I said those words to him without betraying a flicker of emotion. And then I walk away. Leaving him shock and confuse. Leaving him the way I had found him
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