A house you call home

It was there. Unspoken between them. The accusation in his eyes. The guilt in hers.

Their house feels strangely empty for him. He did not know when it all begins. He keep turning around expecting little Amanda. She used to wait for him at the foot of the stairs. She would sit there sucking on her thumb happily. One little hand holding her stuffed Patrick; her favorite Sponge Bob cartoon character. She would look up at him expectantly, a smile playing on her face. She loves it when he puts his briefcase down to scoop her in his embrace and swirl her around and around. She would laugh then and it rang through the house like a beautiful music. Rose would rolled her eyes up to heaven and would mockingly say that he was spoiling her and he would retaliate by saying she was just jealous that he loves Amanda more. The clock chimed eight and it brings him back to his surrounding. No Amanda. Only white marble stairs in front of him. It felt cold, not on the outside but in the inside. He wipes away a drop of tears.

She knows he would never forgive her. He said it was not her fault, he said it could have happen to anyone. But she knew better. He would never forgive her. He could not even look her straight in the eyes. When she reaches for him she could feel him go rigid. As if her simple touch burn. She knows how much he loves Amanda. 'My little princess' he would call her. It was not as if she had forgotten about her. He just did not understand. She still lay awake at night, remembering. But he never knew that.

He was angry, more at himself than at Rose. Because he was the one who was supposed to protect them. He was not there for Amanda, he thinks of how much she suffers and he knows that he could never forgive himself for that. And now Rose was looking paler and paler, the pain in her eyes was so unbearable that he wish he was dead. It was so heartbreaking and he could not take it anymore, he just could not. And it did not help that she so resemble Amanda. That was why he could not look at her, could not bear to look into her watery eyes, could not look at the grief that was so profound in them because it mirrors his own.

Rose knows they could never go back now. He had said he needed time, had said that he was suffocating here because the memory of Amanda haunts him like a ghost. Everywhere he looks, he would see her smiling face. When he told her this, his face was full of anguish; he looks at her through the haze of his pain pleading understanding. She knew it was only a ruse. But she would say nothing. Because it was her fault, what happened to Amanda. She should have been more careful, should never left Amanda on her own. One moment she was with her, sitting on her chair beside the counter top playing with the doll he brought home for her fourth birthday. The next moment she was not. Panic gripped at her insides when she saw the unfasten latch of the kitchen door, her heart beats faster than ever. She knew then, that something had gone terribly wrong, she could feel the burgeoning fear inside and she ran out calling desperately for Amanda. Something tells her that it was no use, that she could not answer but she told herself that she must keep calling her, that she would be there in the woods with a smile on her face saying 'mummy, I am here. I am here all along but you just look past me…'

The police found her body two days later. In the woods, among the trees. Her red gown was thorn at places. There were bruises on her face and all over her body. Dry blood at the corner of her swollen mouth and on her thigh. The police said she was raped and then beaten to death. Blunt force trauma to the head and chest was the cause of death, the autopsy concludes.

They clung to each other through the whole ordeal; when the chief police broke the terrible news, when neighbors came pouring in with home made pies and sympathy, when their relatives comes with bouquet of white lilies, eyes downcast, tongue-tied and at loss of words. They hold hands through her wake, trying so hard not to broke down at the sight of her, so peaceful looking in her white gown. She looked as if she was asleep and would wake up asking for daddy to swing her around and around…

Afterward, they withdrew into their own misery. It was too painful to talk about their loss, so they just curl into a ball night after night; each on their own side of the bed. Each lost in their own thoughts. He started working late into the night. She roams the house holding Amanda's stuffed Patrick and clutches it to her heart tightly. Hoping beyond hope that it was all a bad dream only it was not. Everything just ceases to have meaning. Not without Amanda, they thought and suffer silently.

“You should have been more careful”. He told her one night. “Do you think I want this to happen?” She screamed at him, outrageous at his sudden accusation. Did he really mean that? He had said it was not her fault when he holds her hand at Amanda’s wake. She tried so hard to convince herself that it was not. That it could have happen to anyone. That she was not a neglectful mother. But her conscience would not let her a moment’s peace. It was there in the deepest part of her heart; the guilt and remorse. If only she was more careful, if only she paid more attention. It was their first of many big fights.

They blamed each other because it was easier that way. They fought until their voices were hoarse from yelling, until Rose broke down and slams their bedroom door in his face. He took the couch fuming, tossing and turning feeling angrier and more frustrated than ever. Finally, after nights and nights of fighting and screaming at each other, he admits defeat. He knew there was no going back now, and he knew Rose knows it too. So they part ways. It was not because they do not love each other but it was because they share the same grief and it was too hurtful to ever be reconciled. Strange how grief can tear you apart, they thought with bitter regret.

They take one last look at the house that held so much meaning to them knowing that they were never coming back. Because it was where they were happiest and it was where they were most miserable; Rose’s father gave her away at the house, she stand there under the canopy before hundreds of smiling faces, looking stunning in her pearl beaded ivory white gown. But what she remembered the most was the look in Paul’s face; oceans and oceans of love in his eyes that still make her heart flutter just by remembering it. And the day they brought Amanda home from the hospital. They had painted her nursery in soft pink, Rose draped the room with every pink baby things she could lay her hands on, it was full of stuffed toys and cute baby dress (they had an ultrasound just as Rose entered her third trimester).He remember the first time he saw Amanda. She was so tiny then and so beautiful. Everything was perfect, it felt like heaven then.

So much happiness, Rose thought with a pang. But no matter how happy they had been it will always be eclipsed by the day that they found Amanda laying among the trees, cold and lifeless. That one tiny second in time changes their life forever. And for that they could never go back to where it all begins, it would feel like living a lie if they did, for it was a house that they could not call home anymore.

The doctor's note

In this profession, the most difficult thing is to a keep straight face when they told me the most horrible thing. To let that revelation sunk, and try to comprehend why they did the things they did when the only thing I could say was; God, you got to be kidding me!

But one has to keep impassive face, to stay objective and clear headed. Even when it was too much, even when it hurt sometimes. I have to learn to be emotionally detached. But the things that they did, it could get to you, would make you stop in your track and got you thinking; is this for real?

Of course it was. Life is, after all, a bed of roses but with thorns in it!

I would like to tell Aurora that she could hope but should never expect that wretched man to show mercy. Because that ‘husband/cheat’ was not capable of something as elementary as plain compassion. I know it was harsh, cruel even. But any women other than her could see that the man would never change, could never learn to appreciate her, let alone love her. She was not stupid. Like she said she was just empty. People’s minds were complex mechanics. In her mind’s eye she thinks of the man as her only means of support. Not financially because she can fend for herself where wealth is concern, but emotionally. She needs to feel needed; and that was what the man gave her. He needs her albeit only for his carnal pleasure.

This twisted sense of need stem from something deeper. Almost always in such case it was down to childhood experience; something she never have enough of or something she has in excess. In Aurora’s, it was her parent’s love that she lack. It was not that they did not love her. They love her in abundance, almost to the point of excessiveness. They just love her differently and that was not the way that she expects to be love.

My job is not to tell her what to do (she would not listen to me anyway). But to let her come to term with herself. To help her understand that she could never get back the childhood that she thought was lost forever. Because, yes, she has lost it forever. And he or anyone else for that matter could never pay back her pain. And then to make her realize that she was worth more than she thought she was. In her case, it was the biggest issue. She thinks she deserve to be a kept woman because she was not perfect enough for him. When in retrospective, he was the one who does not deserve her.

As for him, I think he was just plain barmy (Not that I told this to him). What comes to my mind as I picture his triumphant gloating face was that I would like very much to shake him to his senses. Or punch him in the face or better still, kick him where it hurts the most. Now, do not get me wrong. Of course I could not do that. I took an oath! But one can wish, right?

Could someone be so cruel? Yes he could. Men, (Not that I have anything against them) has this aversion to women they does not love; at least it was the case with him. Maybe he thinks it was the most practical thing to do. Why waste time caring for someone you did not love? To put it simply, he just don’t give a f*** about her; as he had so gloatingly said. Not literally but, you know what I mean.

I do not know which was worse. To be secure in false protective bubble like his wife? Or to be at the sidelines of life and just watch somebody else living her life like Aurora?

His wife said she could not believe her luck. I could not either; but for entirely different reason. To tell her that her suspicions were right would breach my doctor’s – patient confidentiality privilege. But girls, just so you know, when you suspect something going on at your husband end, it was almost always right. And yes, you can trust your instinct. Because the wife always knew. Maybe in not so subtle ways, but you could feel it in your gut. Not that I have hands on experience on the matter but when you has seen life as much as I did, you would know.

She did all the right things (the wife, I mean); she checked on her husband, never really put her trust in him and by the looks of it, he loves her very much. I know, how can you say you love someone if you cheat on her? But he can. Aurora was just an able body for him. Nothing more, nothing less. So long as he did not emotionally stray then he still thinks he was not doing anything wrong. Yes, he was that deranged.

In part, it explains why he was so mean to Aurora. Because if he let his need for her grow into something more than just need, if he start caring, that would mean he has grow fond of his mistress. Men only understand love; they do not understand kindness and always mistakes kindness for love. To put it simply, he was afraid that he would fall for Aurora. That was why he never bothers to see Aurora as a person other than the women who share his bed and that explains why he has no guilty conscience at all.

But I still think he was barmy though.


Dr Pomona Claire, MD.

Dr Pomona’s Case Files

Dr Pomona Claire, MD

Case 001
The other woman

As I watch from the side lines, life passes me by. Everyone was living a simple life with so much happiness and love. I was just empty. Living in a tangled web of lies, living in sin. At first it was just a black dot on my white canvas. But then it gets bigger as my heart began to forget. The first thing I forgot is what it means to miss someone. And then I forgot how great it felt to be treated nicely. By then I was force to left my protected shell and I forgot what it felt like to feel safe. Now I almost forgot what love feels like; as if it was a dream that I had to struggle to remember once I wake up from a long troubling night.

I had no choice. He was my boyfriend at college. He left me on our third year. He said he didn’t love me. He tried to, but he could not. He said it was lust at first sight; what we had. I was just confused. If we were wrong why it felt so right then. But I let him go. Because that was what he want.

He came back. Not because he love me but because he lust for me. I knew I had to be firm but I love him so. I just want to have something that I could remember, a token of memory to embody all that I felt towards him. Even if it was only temporary. Even as I knew he was just fooling around with me. Sex was only part of the reason. At least I would know what it felt like to be in his embrace. At least I could hold on to the memory.

He has a girlfriend then. Someone who is more worthy of him, he said. I kept my silence. There was nothing I could do. At first it was devastating. He was so mean to me, he stop caring. For him I was only a body without soul, just a woman whom he bed. There was a saying: ignorance hurt more than outright dislike. I know how true the words then. But I stay because it was the only thing to do.

He married his girlfriend after college. I never knew how I got through those days; when he proposed to her, got engaged, get married and have his first child. I stay because I don’t know a life without him.

My life change. Everybody thought I had it all. But in truth I had nothing. Of course a beautiful face plus great carrier plus big house and car would equal perfection. But I knew better. My days were spent waiting for his call. We never go out in public though. He was very careful that no one should know about us. Either it was phone sex or just plain old sex. That was all he gave me.

It felt as if I was living a doomed life. But I never stop hoping that one day he would have pity, that he would at least feel compassion towards me.

Case 002
The husband

Aurora. That was her name. She was beautiful, but everybody knows that. She was also something else. She was a rare combination of beauty and guile. When I looked at her I just want to crush her, to have her moan my name, to own her. She has that affect on me. And once I have had her, I wanted more.

At first it was because she wounded my ego. I hate her knowing eyes or that smug smile. It was as if she could look straight into my heart and knows my darkest secret. I really hate that.

I was also fascinated by her. It was something that I could never put my fingers on. Like there was this black allure in her that draws me closer. The feeling was so intense that I just have to have her. I know it was the boy inside talking. But I chunk all reason out and pursue her like mad. It was thrilling; discovering her. She was everything I expect her to be and more.

But then, the feeling wane out. I don’t know why but I could not bring myself to love her. Truth be told, I was bored. She was so predictable and was too eager to please. That was a big no for me. With capital N. I guess I just gave up on her.

I thought I was past her. But even after I married my wife, I still want her. Maybe I was just greedy. I know for a fact that I do not love her, but she was so willing. Who on earth would resist such temptation? So far the arrangement was perfect for me. She never complaints, never expect anything from me. It was as if she knew that if she crosses the line, I would leave. I could see it in her eyes; her fear and helplessness. But a man got to do what a man got to do.

Besides, how can I love someone who does not love herself?

Case 003
The wife

He was the world’s greatest husband. Everybody says so and I know for a fact that that was true. We were married 6 years ago and we have two kids now. He still holds my hand when we go out. He never forgets birthdays and still lavishes me with presents. But what I love the most was his kisses. Little kisses on my cheeks and forehead that he would give unexpectedly.

He cries when our first child was born. He holds my hands then and kisses them in gratitude. I cried too seeing how much he loves us. From that moment on, I never doubt him. Surely a man like him would not cheat on me.

People say women are intuitive, I was not sure that holds true for me. Because sometimes when I look at him I saw someone else. I know it could not be, but that makes me anxious. Of course there were no other women, because if there was I would know. I check his phone regularly and I never found anything suspicious. It was not that I did not trust him, but a woman had to be sure, right?

There was nothing wrong with him. It was just that sometimes I feel guilty because he was so kind and loving. It felt as if I was not giving enough and I had this nagging feeling that something was not right but I do not know what it was.

Am I worrying too much?

Chapter 9

“You are now eight weeks into your second trimester” Dr Sophie reaches out her hand in congratulation. She beams, happy for us. I press Arianna’s hand, her face overflowing with happiness. That explains her fatigue and high basal body temperature, I muse. I’ve always wanted another child to pamper. It will be great if we have a daughter this time. The twins would love to have a little sister, they were now four years old, and another baby in the family would be perfect. For some reason, Maya’s face flashes after me, sending current of painful jolt to my heart.
“Since this is your second pregnancy, I take it you already know the basics; I mean your diet, exercise and vitamins to take; you know, the usual vitamin A, folic acid, omega-3 fatty acid and so on. Sophie was flipping Arianna’s report, she frown before looking up again.
”But if your BP continues to increase I am afraid there might be complication later at the end of your trimester. You read between 140 mm Hg systolic pressure and 90 mm Hg diastolic pressure” Sophie said.
“140/90” I repeat after Sophie. “That was high”
“Yes, it’s quite high”. She answered before addressing Arianna.” You need to watch your diet or you might risk chronic hypertension prior to your twentieth week. ”
“But the probability of chronic hypertension was relatively low during pregnancy; at least I’d take 3% as a low possibility.” I interject, trying to steady my pounding nerve.
“You were right on that score but low percentage doesn’t mean you were off the hook” Sophie countered. I nod my agreement.
“There were nothing to be alarmed about at this stage, if worse comes to worse we could gave you medication but for now you just have to eat a balanced diet and cut out on the amount of salt taken” Sophie continues efficiently, smiling reassurance towards us.
Arianna tries to smile back but it look more like a grimace to me. Of course she would feel ill at ease with the new information; her first pregnancy hasn’t actually been a picnic. She got the worst morning sickness if I ever saw one. She was looking pale most of the time and can barely get out of bed in the morning.
“Are you okay?” I ask her.
”Don’t worry, Dr Sophie say it was nothing, right?” She was tracing a finger across my palm; a sure sign that she was actually anxious.
“Yes, you have nothing to worry about as long as you keep your BP under check.” Sophie agreed. “Do you need any prescription for nausea or anything?” Sophie offered, her voice full of concern. I know she too was remembering how hard Arianna’s first pregnancy had been.
“I am okay. Thankfully I didn’t experience any morning sickness this time” Arianna grin back at her.
“Sure you can go back to work tomorrow?” I ask her later that morning when we reach home. I know I have been asking the same question over and over again but I was worried abut her.
“Nick, I was just pregnant, not an invalid” Arianna answered a little impatiently. But there was a twinkle in her eyes that betray the harshness in her voice. “Our baby” it’s as if I could hear her thoughts. Absently, I squeeze her hands and kiss them. I appreciate that she would risk her health for our baby without any misgiving.
” Thank you” I told her, kissing her forehead in gratitude.
A single tears escape for Maya then. God, what had I put her through? Arianna was looking at me questioningly. “I will be fine” she pronounce assuming my grief expression for trepidation over her. I smile at her half heartedly and ushered her inside in disguise of a strict bed rest.
“You can’t take it where you left it” I keep hearing those words over and over. It felt like a death sentence to me. Dear God how I love her. And how helpless it felt not to be able to take her into my arms and undo all the terrible things I did to her. In my mind’s eye, I always picture a happy and vibrant Maya at my side, as my wife. But like every treasured dream it remains hidden in the deepest corner of my heart. I was buying time; dad made me promise then. I thought I could put Maya on hold, I thought our love would last the test of time. I was foolishly hoping that Maya would still wait for me after what I did to her, would still understand my love for her even if I never put all these thoughts into words.
I just couldn’t say no to Dad, how can I possibly turn my back on his dying wish? He always regards Arianna as his own daughter even if she was only adopted and he makes me promise to marry her. I had to marry Arianna when dad died and he was not wrong about Arianna; she was the best wife anyone could have. But my heart belongs to Maya. It always has.

Chapter 8

She was jabbing away at the notebook in front of her. Key strokes after keystrokes of concentration and was patiently tucking away a stubborn stray hair behind an ear. And then, she smiles at the gesture. I remember telling her that those luscious locks gave her an almost royal look; like a princess. She would hit me playfully then, saying I was just pulling her legs and pretending dislike. But she would smile appreciatively nonetheless. For some reason it makes me feel warm inside; maybe she was remembering that too, I thought wistfully.
Sensing my presence she looks up to face me. To my surprise her face registered no shock at all. She looked calm and composed.”I knew you would come and find me.” She said.
“Because you would want to know what happen to me” she adds, answering the silent question in my eyes. She sighs before looking back at me. A pang of loss washes over me; she looked untroubled, It was as if yesterday didn’t happen, as if she never cries so brokenly in my arms before telling me that I was years too late. Had I cease to have meaning for her just in an overnight?
She smiles a genuine smile this time and motions me to sit down. I notice that she seems to carry herself with polished sophistication now. She was not my little princess anymore. She had changed somehow, I thought with a twinge.
“I was pregnant with your child” she looked straight into my eyes and drop the bombshell. I could feel all the color draining from my face. I used to brood over what happen to her but I never expect this.
“What??..how?..where now..?” She ignores my question, she was looking into space, and there was this far away look in her eyes. She was remembering that night, I thought with shame.
“It felt like betrayal, what you did to me. I trusted you so.” She began.
I squirm in my seat, recovering from the shock of her news. But another surge of wild happiness shot through. Our baby. We had a baby together. I ponder over it and I feel warm inside again.
“When you left me that night, I thought I could never forgive you. But as much as I hate you for what you did, I know that in my heart of hearts I would have easily forgiven you if only you would explain.” She stops to look at me. I open my mouth to say I was sorry, but I couldn’t bring myself to. She deserves so much more than just an apology. So I look at her instead and notice for the first time the dead look in her eyes. For some reason, cold dread gripped at my insides.
“But days turn into weeks and weeks into months and you never came. You were gone just like that. No explanation, no calls, no letters, nothing. Every night I lay awake wondering what went wrong.” She continues, the dead look still in her eyes.
“When I realized I was pregnant, I knew I had to leave home. Mom and dad would kill me if they knew. Leaving home seems like the simplest solution then. Mum and dad never question what I was up to and I told them I was leaving home to tour the world for a year and they believe it. I quit university and took out all my savings. I know the money would last until my baby were born” absentmindedly she clutch at her tummy, remembering.
I discovered something new about her then. I always knew that she was fiercely independent but I never thought she would be that clear and cold headed in facing such turmoil.
“What happen to my baby?” I asked against my better judgment. But I don’t care. I knew I had to make it up to her. I will beg her to marry me, I’ll do whatever it takes, I won’t leave her again, not this time. I thought fiercely.
“My daughter died” her head hung at her side now, she look so defeated. “I had a miscarriage’ she told me flatly. Her words cut through so profoundly that I found myself swaying on the spot, reeling from the pain. This cant be happening. I refuse to believe it.
“The doctor said I left it too late. That day, I felt cramp down at my stomach. I checked, and saw that there was blood, it was just a little red dot then, I make myself believe that it was nothing. Maybe it’s because deep inside I always knew that I was not fortunate enough to be a mother. So I ignore the dull throbbing I feel and the next thing I knew I had lost her. ”
I could see that she was weary now and all the fight was leaving her. How I wish I could reach out for her and held her in my arms. A single tear escapes and I wipe it away hastily. I was still trying to take it all in; the loss of our baby, the magnitude of her suffering and the fact that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.
“I could never have another child, Nick” she told me brokenly. All her previous self control were now gone. I realized she was wounded; she sat slumped on her seat looking thoroughly defeated and crushed. I Knew she told me all this because she feel she could relate to me. She wants me to share her grief because it was our baby that was lost from us forever. Ours..how cruel can life be;The possibility that we have a baby together, the embodiment of our love but in too short a time it was taken from us. How tantalizing the dream seems yet how harsh reality really strikes?
“Maya..” I got up to reach for her. But something in her eyes makes me stop in my track. She wouldn’t appreciate the gesture, not now after all these years.
“Maya, give me one more chance, I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Maya stare at me disbelievingly. “You are married Nick. It won’t work. You can’t just pick it up where you left it. It’s too late now and I don’t need your pity. I can take care of myself.”
“I couldn’t live knowing it was all my fault. Please..Please let me take care of you, let me make things right again. I will explain to Arianna, she would understand. She always knew that I lo..”
Maya cut my musings to an abrupt halt.
“I am married now Nick” She told me. It was like a slap to my face, her words.
Like lid closing on a coffin; a mundane finality.

Chapter 7

The first time I saw her I thought I never saw a more defeated looking person. She sat slumped on her seat, staring into space. There was so much pain in her eyes that I wouldn’t be surprised if tears come leaking out of them. She had a very beautiful face though; it clashes with the grave look in her expression, giving away a tragic melancholy sensation that gave her an almost regal look. She just sat there, looking oddly alone, waiting for her interview and I remember thinking there was no way at all I would give her the finance.
“My name is Maya Riana” she told me when asked to introduce herself. I look at her proposal and start flipping them idly, expecting another sloppy application pitch from a typical over-ambitious beautiful girl like her. But to my amazement, it was quite good. She was very precise in the proposition with a no nonsense practicality that shows that she knew the industry well.
She explains her project with ease and confidence. Her steady voice betrays the beaten guise that her melancholy emanates. I look once more at her, more closely this time. The grief that was so profound in her eyes before were now gone. Her jaw set, her full lips gave a hint of a smile, not at all flirtious but more of a practiced professionalism. I notice that her tear drop shaped eyes were of a deep brown color, like dark chocolate. Against my will, I was mesmerized. She had the eyes that said everything, like a mirror it reflects her heart. And a very much broken heart at that if I could haphazard a guess.
I could give her the finance she seeks, I thought. But she had no background, I mean she was fresh out of college with no prior experience; I couldn’t bring myself to trust that she could handle this project she proposed regardless of how good she sounds on paper.
I was about to say no when she look at me, saying the reason she wants to do this is to avoid killing herself. She was defiantly looking back at me, daring me to condemn her jibe. I recognize that she was not being offensive. She was just hurt. There was this steely determination in her eyes now that reminds me so much of my younger self. And I found myself unbelievingly believing her dreams.
She stays true to her word. By the end of the first year her book café were up and running. She named her store Angel Book café. And I thought how very true the name was; it suits her personality perfectly. Like an angel she gave light to everybody she touches.

Chapter 6

“Why should I give you this project?” he demands of me, flipping the pages of my proposal, glaring at the numbers in front of him.
“To stop me from killing myself?” I try. His hand stops in its track, but his face was impassive. He looks up at me. Hard. As if trying to decide whether to laugh at the revelation or to chase me out from his spacious office. I look right back at him. And then his smooth face broke into a smile.
“Interesting, but risky all the same. Your answer, I mean” He add after my baffled expression.
“Your answer might gave the impression that you were emotionally retarded or just plain stupid; taking into consideration that your cheek could jeopardize this chance”
I shift uncomfortably in my seat, fighting the whim to kick myself. He was right. I was stupid. What was I thinking? That’s the problem. These days I didn’t think. I just act on impulse.
“But it could also mean you would do right by this project. I found it best not to underestimate a woman, especially one with such fortitude” He extends his hand and clasp mine in a handshake.
“Congratulation Miss Maya Riana, I believe you have found yourself a financier”
I gape at him, astound by his abrupt decision. He smiles at me. His face kind and benign, too much understanding in his eyes. I averted my gaze. People say he was intimidating, I couldn’t help but agree with them. Mr Amil Hakimi at 43 was indeed a venerable figure.
“Why?” I asked him.
“Because I have the money” he answered simply. I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Oddly enough I feel all the tension leaving my body and I relax a little.
“Now, you understand that by extending you the loan I will retain ten percent of total ownership” He continues, all businesslike now.
“Yes sir, I am aware of your terms and condition and I have no problem with that” I assure him. “As you requested, repayment will start the year after next and that include 10 percent interest as well.” I promise him, practically quoting the contract his secretary gave me just before the meeting.
“Miss Maya, since we were going to be partner in business I think we should drop the formalities. Just call me Amil. Uncle Amil, if you should prefer it” he wink at me good-naturedly.
“Its Maya for you too then,” I corrected him.
“Maya” He repeat my name, humoring me. “About the contract, there were few clauses I’d like to change”. My heart sunk. If he increases the interest rate I wouldn’t be able to pay his monthly installment. I might have to decline the offer after all. Besides, this was too good to be true. Why would he give me the loan? I was nobody in this industry, with no prior achievement or family opulence that could give credibility to my name.
“Maya..I am going to give you a free reign. I’ve read your proposal and it’s a good one. You were very detail, maybe a little too ambitious but it gives the impression that you know what you were doing”
“What do you mean..” I was almost afraid to ask. This can’t be happening. I pinch my arm just to make absolute certain. Ouch. Ok, that hurt.
“You are not dreaming Maya.” He assures me. “I’ll forfeit the interest and you can start repayment after 3 years has elapsed. But I want monthly report on progress. Without fail.” He stressed. “Bear in mind that I could call off this loan should your project fail to meet my requirement.”
“I could live with that” I squeak nervously. Trying to take it all in. This is it. My very first step.
“The new contract will be ready by tomorrow and by the end of this week, the loan will be wired and you could get started.”
That was how I met him. My husband. And that was how I started Angel Book Café. From the very beginning he trusted me. I couldn’t betray that trust now. It felt disloyal to be weeping my heart out before him for another man. I could have kicked myself for being that inconsiderate. Deep inside I know he knew that sometimes I still lay wide awake at night, remembering. It hurt that I could never love him as completely and abundantly as I had love Nick. He deserves so much more than I could ever give him.
I groan with the injustice of it all. Why should Nick come back now? And why oh why it hurt so much? Surely time would have lessened the pain, wouldn’t it?