It was there. Unspoken between them. The accusation in his eyes. The guilt in hers.
Their house feels strangely empty for him. He did not know when it all begins. He keep turning around expecting little Amanda. She used to wait for him at the foot of the stairs. She would sit there sucking on her thumb happily. One little hand holding her stuffed Patrick; her favorite Sponge Bob cartoon character. She would look up at him expectantly, a smile playing on her face. She loves it when he puts his briefcase down to scoop her in his embrace and swirl her around and around. She would laugh then and it rang through the house like a beautiful music. Rose would rolled her eyes up to heaven and would mockingly say that he was spoiling her and he would retaliate by saying she was just jealous that he loves Amanda more. The clock chimed eight and it brings him back to his surrounding. No Amanda. Only white marble stairs in front of him. It felt cold, not on the outside but in the inside. He wipes away a drop of tears.
She knows he would never forgive her. He said it was not her fault, he said it could have happen to anyone. But she knew better. He would never forgive her. He could not even look her straight in the eyes. When she reaches for him she could feel him go rigid. As if her simple touch burn. She knows how much he loves Amanda. 'My little princess' he would call her. It was not as if she had forgotten about her. He just did not understand. She still lay awake at night, remembering. But he never knew that.
He was angry, more at himself than at Rose. Because he was the one who was supposed to protect them. He was not there for Amanda, he thinks of how much she suffers and he knows that he could never forgive himself for that. And now Rose was looking paler and paler, the pain in her eyes was so unbearable that he wish he was dead. It was so heartbreaking and he could not take it anymore, he just could not. And it did not help that she so resemble Amanda. That was why he could not look at her, could not bear to look into her watery eyes, could not look at the grief that was so profound in them because it mirrors his own.
Rose knows they could never go back now. He had said he needed time, had said that he was suffocating here because the memory of Amanda haunts him like a ghost. Everywhere he looks, he would see her smiling face. When he told her this, his face was full of anguish; he looks at her through the haze of his pain pleading understanding. She knew it was only a ruse. But she would say nothing. Because it was her fault, what happened to Amanda. She should have been more careful, should never left Amanda on her own. One moment she was with her, sitting on her chair beside the counter top playing with the doll he brought home for her fourth birthday. The next moment she was not. Panic gripped at her insides when she saw the unfasten latch of the kitchen door, her heart beats faster than ever. She knew then, that something had gone terribly wrong, she could feel the burgeoning fear inside and she ran out calling desperately for Amanda. Something tells her that it was no use, that she could not answer but she told herself that she must keep calling her, that she would be there in the woods with a smile on her face saying 'mummy, I am here. I am here all along but you just look past me…'
The police found her body two days later. In the woods, among the trees. Her red gown was thorn at places. There were bruises on her face and all over her body. Dry blood at the corner of her swollen mouth and on her thigh. The police said she was raped and then beaten to death. Blunt force trauma to the head and chest was the cause of death, the autopsy concludes.
They clung to each other through the whole ordeal; when the chief police broke the terrible news, when neighbors came pouring in with home made pies and sympathy, when their relatives comes with bouquet of white lilies, eyes downcast, tongue-tied and at loss of words. They hold hands through her wake, trying so hard not to broke down at the sight of her, so peaceful looking in her white gown. She looked as if she was asleep and would wake up asking for daddy to swing her around and around…
Afterward, they withdrew into their own misery. It was too painful to talk about their loss, so they just curl into a ball night after night; each on their own side of the bed. Each lost in their own thoughts. He started working late into the night. She roams the house holding Amanda's stuffed Patrick and clutches it to her heart tightly. Hoping beyond hope that it was all a bad dream only it was not. Everything just ceases to have meaning. Not without Amanda, they thought and suffer silently.
“You should have been more careful”. He told her one night. “Do you think I want this to happen?” She screamed at him, outrageous at his sudden accusation. Did he really mean that? He had said it was not her fault when he holds her hand at Amanda’s wake. She tried so hard to convince herself that it was not. That it could have happen to anyone. That she was not a neglectful mother. But her conscience would not let her a moment’s peace. It was there in the deepest part of her heart; the guilt and remorse. If only she was more careful, if only she paid more attention. It was their first of many big fights.
They blamed each other because it was easier that way. They fought until their voices were hoarse from yelling, until Rose broke down and slams their bedroom door in his face. He took the couch fuming, tossing and turning feeling angrier and more frustrated than ever. Finally, after nights and nights of fighting and screaming at each other, he admits defeat. He knew there was no going back now, and he knew Rose knows it too. So they part ways. It was not because they do not love each other but it was because they share the same grief and it was too hurtful to ever be reconciled. Strange how grief can tear you apart, they thought with bitter regret.
They take one last look at the house that held so much meaning to them knowing that they were never coming back. Because it was where they were happiest and it was where they were most miserable; Rose’s father gave her away at the house, she stand there under the canopy before hundreds of smiling faces, looking stunning in her pearl beaded ivory white gown. But what she remembered the most was the look in Paul’s face; oceans and oceans of love in his eyes that still make her heart flutter just by remembering it. And the day they brought Amanda home from the hospital. They had painted her nursery in soft pink, Rose draped the room with every pink baby things she could lay her hands on, it was full of stuffed toys and cute baby dress (they had an ultrasound just as Rose entered her third trimester).He remember the first time he saw Amanda. She was so tiny then and so beautiful. Everything was perfect, it felt like heaven then.
So much happiness, Rose thought with a pang. But no matter how happy they had been it will always be eclipsed by the day that they found Amanda laying among the trees, cold and lifeless. That one tiny second in time changes their life forever. And for that they could never go back to where it all begins, it would feel like living a lie if they did, for it was a house that they could not call home anymore.
They clung to each other through the whole ordeal; when the chief police broke the terrible news, when neighbors came pouring in with home made pies and sympathy, when their relatives comes with bouquet of white lilies, eyes downcast, tongue-tied and at loss of words. They hold hands through her wake, trying so hard not to broke down at the sight of her, so peaceful looking in her white gown. She looked as if she was asleep and would wake up asking for daddy to swing her around and around…
Afterward, they withdrew into their own misery. It was too painful to talk about their loss, so they just curl into a ball night after night; each on their own side of the bed. Each lost in their own thoughts. He started working late into the night. She roams the house holding Amanda's stuffed Patrick and clutches it to her heart tightly. Hoping beyond hope that it was all a bad dream only it was not. Everything just ceases to have meaning. Not without Amanda, they thought and suffer silently.
“You should have been more careful”. He told her one night. “Do you think I want this to happen?” She screamed at him, outrageous at his sudden accusation. Did he really mean that? He had said it was not her fault when he holds her hand at Amanda’s wake. She tried so hard to convince herself that it was not. That it could have happen to anyone. That she was not a neglectful mother. But her conscience would not let her a moment’s peace. It was there in the deepest part of her heart; the guilt and remorse. If only she was more careful, if only she paid more attention. It was their first of many big fights.
They blamed each other because it was easier that way. They fought until their voices were hoarse from yelling, until Rose broke down and slams their bedroom door in his face. He took the couch fuming, tossing and turning feeling angrier and more frustrated than ever. Finally, after nights and nights of fighting and screaming at each other, he admits defeat. He knew there was no going back now, and he knew Rose knows it too. So they part ways. It was not because they do not love each other but it was because they share the same grief and it was too hurtful to ever be reconciled. Strange how grief can tear you apart, they thought with bitter regret.
They take one last look at the house that held so much meaning to them knowing that they were never coming back. Because it was where they were happiest and it was where they were most miserable; Rose’s father gave her away at the house, she stand there under the canopy before hundreds of smiling faces, looking stunning in her pearl beaded ivory white gown. But what she remembered the most was the look in Paul’s face; oceans and oceans of love in his eyes that still make her heart flutter just by remembering it. And the day they brought Amanda home from the hospital. They had painted her nursery in soft pink, Rose draped the room with every pink baby things she could lay her hands on, it was full of stuffed toys and cute baby dress (they had an ultrasound just as Rose entered her third trimester).He remember the first time he saw Amanda. She was so tiny then and so beautiful. Everything was perfect, it felt like heaven then.
So much happiness, Rose thought with a pang. But no matter how happy they had been it will always be eclipsed by the day that they found Amanda laying among the trees, cold and lifeless. That one tiny second in time changes their life forever. And for that they could never go back to where it all begins, it would feel like living a lie if they did, for it was a house that they could not call home anymore.
